Sarah1989
Warren Veteran
Dear Dexter,
Although it's been 610 days since you left me, I haven't forgotten you. Although we had such a short time together, I have never loved anything as much as I love you.
From the moment I first saw you, I knew I had to have you. Saturday 13th August 2011 was the day my life changed forever when I first met you & held you. I was strange to you & you were frightened, but I adored you already & vowed to do whatever I could to make your life happy. Sadly, that was to put to the test far too often and too frequently
You were fine until Thursday when you fell over & had what I thought was a fit. I cannot remember what the vet said it was, but they gave me antibiotics for you. I'm so sorry I wasn't home on Saturday when you weren't well again & had to be rushed to the emergency vet by my OH. I'm sorry I didn't rush home the second I heard. If I knew then what I knew now, I would never leave your side the entire time you were with us
I remember our week where I stayed home & nursed you when you were paralysed in your hind legs. I held you in my arms & hand fed you, watered you & washed you when you soiled yourself. I kept you in your run with towels down so it was easier for you to move around with your front legs. I gave you your medication & refused to give up on you when the vet wanted did. I took you home that night & wrapped you in a towel & kept you warm in my arms all night & I exercised your hind legs to prevent muscle wastage like they said. 24 hours later, you'd recovered enough that they kept on treating you
When you got back on your feet & began walking again, I was thrilled. I videoed your first steps on my phone & still watch it now. You were never well enough to hop like a normal bunny & you couldn't sit up on your hind legs to wash yourself, but you managed & had done so well to get to where you were. You were the runt of your litter & had fought so hard to survive, you were a fighter, Dex, & I adored the ground you hopped on
We had you running around our lounge with our other rabbit & you ran so fast you fell over, but you got back up again. Dash seemed to know you were special, so he was so careful with you, even though he was twice your size & never batted an eyelid when you fell & accidentally kicked him in the face.
Alas, you were soon to deteriorate once again. You spent most of your life living in your run with the towels on the floor than you did in your cage. You couldn't manage the slippery sawdust when you fell, you needed me to stand you back up again, which I never minded, but I had to work so I couldn't be with you all the time. I never once regretted having you, if I could turn back time, I'd do it agin, although I'd do it differently & maybe you'd still be here with me instead
I wanted to put you back on the Panacur as soon as you deteriorated, but common sense overrode my instinct (& boy do I hate myself for that!) so I waited for the 3 months to be up so you could have your quarterly preventative dose. I didn't want you to spend your life on Panacur in case the parasite became immune & it stopped working & I couldn't save you. I was thinking long term. If I'd known what I know now, I swear, Dexy, I would give you the Panacur the second you began having problems again. I'm so sorry I waited too long
I took you back to the vet on Tuesday & you were once again dosed up on Metacam, Panacur & your antibiotics & they were so positive, telling us to return the next Tuesday as there were loads more things to try if you hadn't improved. I'm sorry on Friday I listened to my OH worrying about the urine stains on the carpet from the towels & put you back in your cage. If I could do it again, I would ignore the OH & the stupid carpet, you are far more important.
I'm sorry we went out on Saturday. I should have stayed home with you, feeding, watering, washing, drying, brushing & holding you. If I'd known it was my last day with you, I'd have never left your side, you would not have been out of my arms. I'd have stayed awake with you all night. I'm sorry I was tired when I got home & didn't spend much time with you only to give you your medication. It's no excuse
I'm sorry when I awoke on Sunday morning, I didn't rush out to check on you immediately. I'm sorry I stayed in bed another hour. As soon as I saw you lying on the floor, breathing so shallowly, I rushed you to the emergency vet, telling the OH to call them & tell them we were coming. I panicked all the way, begging you not to pass before we got there. It breaks my heart when I remember how afraid you were when we went in & she picked you up for examination, you were so ill, but you still tried to struggle. I'm sorry I wasn't well & had lost my voice so struggled to communicate. I'm sorry the first thing she said was to put you to sleep & I burst into tears & my brain shut down. I don't remember what she said they could try, but didn't expect to work. I'm sorry I didn't try it, remembering you're a fighter & pulled through before when they doubted you. I'm sorry all I thought was this is it, you're breathing so shallowly, you could pass at any minute & I didn't want you to suffer. I didn't want to leave you alone & afraid to die without me whilst they tried to save you. I'm sorry I didn't give you that chance. I'm so sorry I gave up on you I'm even more sorry I let them take you from the room whilst they did it, that I wasn't there holding you as you slipped away. I'm sorry I wasn't the last thing you saw as the light slipped out of your beautiful eyes. I'm sorry I didn't dare ask the vet if I could be with you when they did it.
I sat in the waiting room afterwards with you, crying hysterically whilst they prepared the bill. I'm sorry when I got home & cradled you, I wrapped you back in your blanket when the OH got back in case he thought I was strange. I'm sorry I was in too much of a catatonic crying fit to protest when he told me to put you in that awful celebrations tub & go to bury you in the garden. I'm sorry I can't go to that garden now. I'm sorry I allowed him to buy me another rabbit the next day to try & cheer me up. I did it because he felt so useless in the face of my grief & it made him feel better although I felt like I was betraying you when I'd sworn to your memory never to have another. I'm sorry I broke my promise to you.
Last Friday I read an article on E.Cuniculi - your awful killer - & I'm devastated to see you were probably in a coma that day, not completely paralysed as the vet said & so you could have been saved if I'd given you the chance. You always were a fighter - you could've pulled through again like before. I would have done anything for you, anything to save you. I'd give anything to see you again & hold you in my arms. I miss you so so much & I know you loved me too. You proved it every time you licked me, which was constantly when I held you. Every rabbit I've ever had, hated me, but not you. That's why you were so special & why I adored you so much. I loved you & you loved me back
It was 2 weeks before Xmas & everyone was asking me what I wanted, but all I wanted was you. Xmas day was the 2 week anniversary & everyone wanted me to be happy & over you. I'd already learned to bury the pain until I was alone as I'd learned nobody cared or understood, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt because it did & still does. They think you're just a rabbit, but you're not. Part of me died with you that day. I'm not the same person I was. Things that I loved & was interested in before, just don't now. On my bad days, I feel like an empty shell. Slipper bites me when I cuddle him, so I don't as I know he hates it, but I desperately missed you the other week when discussing with a friend who had lost her dog & it brought the memories of that awful day back & he bit me after all. All I wanted was some warm fluffy comfort, the next best thing to you, but no
Losing you was the worst day of my life - it felt like someone had ripped my heart out when she said I had to let you go. If that article is true, I'm so so sorry I gave up on you, I hope you can forgive me I hope you're happy in bunny heaven & that you're finally healthy. I look forward to the day when we're together again, although it will be many years away, I'll never forget & I hope you won't either. I miss you so much, there just aren't enough words
I dreamed of you once in a big field full of bunnies, it was green & stretched as far as the eye could see, clear blue sky & warm sun on my back. You & another bunny hopped over to me as I kneeled in the grass - it was Dash, for he too has passed now. Dash let me stroke him, you were close to me, but stayed out of my reach - why? Are you angry at me? Or afraid I would never let you go & try & bring you back to earth where you were ill? As much as I love & miss you, I'd rather you were happy & healthy even it meant we couldn't be together although I wish more than anything you could be happy & healthy here with me.
Saturday, I chose another 2 bunnies to come & share my home. I'm looking forward to having them as they are currently too young to leave their mum, but one of them licked my hand & I knew s/he was the one. Please know that I'm not trying to replace you as you're irreplaceable, but I long to have a bunny I can hold & cuddle & love me back. I love Slipper now, but he doesn't do this. He allows me to stroke him & pick him up to go in the garden, but sitting & cuddling, forget it. They will never take your place, but I hope they can heal my broken heart as I'm so tired of all the pain. I know I deserve it, but please don't think me selfish, but nearly two years later, I don't want to hurt any more. I want to remember the good times without that awful day tainting them. I hope you understand.
I love you darling, RIP, & will see you again one day xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Although it's been 610 days since you left me, I haven't forgotten you. Although we had such a short time together, I have never loved anything as much as I love you.
From the moment I first saw you, I knew I had to have you. Saturday 13th August 2011 was the day my life changed forever when I first met you & held you. I was strange to you & you were frightened, but I adored you already & vowed to do whatever I could to make your life happy. Sadly, that was to put to the test far too often and too frequently
You were fine until Thursday when you fell over & had what I thought was a fit. I cannot remember what the vet said it was, but they gave me antibiotics for you. I'm so sorry I wasn't home on Saturday when you weren't well again & had to be rushed to the emergency vet by my OH. I'm sorry I didn't rush home the second I heard. If I knew then what I knew now, I would never leave your side the entire time you were with us
I remember our week where I stayed home & nursed you when you were paralysed in your hind legs. I held you in my arms & hand fed you, watered you & washed you when you soiled yourself. I kept you in your run with towels down so it was easier for you to move around with your front legs. I gave you your medication & refused to give up on you when the vet wanted did. I took you home that night & wrapped you in a towel & kept you warm in my arms all night & I exercised your hind legs to prevent muscle wastage like they said. 24 hours later, you'd recovered enough that they kept on treating you
When you got back on your feet & began walking again, I was thrilled. I videoed your first steps on my phone & still watch it now. You were never well enough to hop like a normal bunny & you couldn't sit up on your hind legs to wash yourself, but you managed & had done so well to get to where you were. You were the runt of your litter & had fought so hard to survive, you were a fighter, Dex, & I adored the ground you hopped on
We had you running around our lounge with our other rabbit & you ran so fast you fell over, but you got back up again. Dash seemed to know you were special, so he was so careful with you, even though he was twice your size & never batted an eyelid when you fell & accidentally kicked him in the face.
Alas, you were soon to deteriorate once again. You spent most of your life living in your run with the towels on the floor than you did in your cage. You couldn't manage the slippery sawdust when you fell, you needed me to stand you back up again, which I never minded, but I had to work so I couldn't be with you all the time. I never once regretted having you, if I could turn back time, I'd do it agin, although I'd do it differently & maybe you'd still be here with me instead
I wanted to put you back on the Panacur as soon as you deteriorated, but common sense overrode my instinct (& boy do I hate myself for that!) so I waited for the 3 months to be up so you could have your quarterly preventative dose. I didn't want you to spend your life on Panacur in case the parasite became immune & it stopped working & I couldn't save you. I was thinking long term. If I'd known what I know now, I swear, Dexy, I would give you the Panacur the second you began having problems again. I'm so sorry I waited too long
I took you back to the vet on Tuesday & you were once again dosed up on Metacam, Panacur & your antibiotics & they were so positive, telling us to return the next Tuesday as there were loads more things to try if you hadn't improved. I'm sorry on Friday I listened to my OH worrying about the urine stains on the carpet from the towels & put you back in your cage. If I could do it again, I would ignore the OH & the stupid carpet, you are far more important.
I'm sorry we went out on Saturday. I should have stayed home with you, feeding, watering, washing, drying, brushing & holding you. If I'd known it was my last day with you, I'd have never left your side, you would not have been out of my arms. I'd have stayed awake with you all night. I'm sorry I was tired when I got home & didn't spend much time with you only to give you your medication. It's no excuse
I'm sorry when I awoke on Sunday morning, I didn't rush out to check on you immediately. I'm sorry I stayed in bed another hour. As soon as I saw you lying on the floor, breathing so shallowly, I rushed you to the emergency vet, telling the OH to call them & tell them we were coming. I panicked all the way, begging you not to pass before we got there. It breaks my heart when I remember how afraid you were when we went in & she picked you up for examination, you were so ill, but you still tried to struggle. I'm sorry I wasn't well & had lost my voice so struggled to communicate. I'm sorry the first thing she said was to put you to sleep & I burst into tears & my brain shut down. I don't remember what she said they could try, but didn't expect to work. I'm sorry I didn't try it, remembering you're a fighter & pulled through before when they doubted you. I'm sorry all I thought was this is it, you're breathing so shallowly, you could pass at any minute & I didn't want you to suffer. I didn't want to leave you alone & afraid to die without me whilst they tried to save you. I'm sorry I didn't give you that chance. I'm so sorry I gave up on you
I'm even more sorry I let them take you from the room whilst they did it, that I wasn't there holding you as you slipped away. I'm sorry I wasn't the last thing you saw as the light slipped out of your beautiful eyes. I'm sorry I didn't dare ask the vet if I could be with you when they did it.I sat in the waiting room afterwards with you, crying hysterically whilst they prepared the bill. I'm sorry when I got home & cradled you, I wrapped you back in your blanket when the OH got back in case he thought I was strange. I'm sorry I was in too much of a catatonic crying fit to protest when he told me to put you in that awful celebrations tub & go to bury you in the garden. I'm sorry I can't go to that garden now. I'm sorry I allowed him to buy me another rabbit the next day to try & cheer me up. I did it because he felt so useless in the face of my grief & it made him feel better although I felt like I was betraying you when I'd sworn to your memory never to have another. I'm sorry I broke my promise to you.
Last Friday I read an article on E.Cuniculi - your awful killer - & I'm devastated to see you were probably in a coma that day, not completely paralysed as the vet said & so you could have been saved if I'd given you the chance. You always were a fighter - you could've pulled through again like before. I would have done anything for you, anything to save you. I'd give anything to see you again & hold you in my arms. I miss you so so much & I know you loved me too. You proved it every time you licked me, which was constantly when I held you. Every rabbit I've ever had, hated me, but not you. That's why you were so special & why I adored you so much. I loved you & you loved me back
It was 2 weeks before Xmas & everyone was asking me what I wanted, but all I wanted was you. Xmas day was the 2 week anniversary & everyone wanted me to be happy & over you. I'd already learned to bury the pain until I was alone as I'd learned nobody cared or understood, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt because it did & still does. They think you're just a rabbit, but you're not. Part of me died with you that day. I'm not the same person I was. Things that I loved & was interested in before, just don't now. On my bad days, I feel like an empty shell. Slipper bites me when I cuddle him, so I don't as I know he hates it, but I desperately missed you the other week when discussing with a friend who had lost her dog & it brought the memories of that awful day back & he bit me after all. All I wanted was some warm fluffy comfort, the next best thing to you, but no
Losing you was the worst day of my life - it felt like someone had ripped my heart out when she said I had to let you go. If that article is true, I'm so so sorry I gave up on you, I hope you can forgive me
I hope you're happy in bunny heaven & that you're finally healthy. I look forward to the day when we're together again, although it will be many years away, I'll never forget & I hope you won't either. I miss you so much, there just aren't enough words I dreamed of you once in a big field full of bunnies, it was green & stretched as far as the eye could see, clear blue sky & warm sun on my back. You & another bunny hopped over to me as I kneeled in the grass - it was Dash, for he too has passed now. Dash let me stroke him, you were close to me, but stayed out of my reach - why? Are you angry at me? Or afraid I would never let you go & try & bring you back to earth where you were ill? As much as I love & miss you, I'd rather you were happy & healthy even it meant we couldn't be together although I wish more than anything you could be happy & healthy here with me.
Saturday, I chose another 2 bunnies to come & share my home. I'm looking forward to having them as they are currently too young to leave their mum, but one of them licked my hand & I knew s/he was the one. Please know that I'm not trying to replace you as you're irreplaceable, but I long to have a bunny I can hold & cuddle & love me back. I love Slipper now, but he doesn't do this. He allows me to stroke him & pick him up to go in the garden, but sitting & cuddling, forget it. They will never take your place, but I hope they can heal my broken heart as I'm so tired of all the pain. I know I deserve it, but please don't think me selfish, but nearly two years later, I don't want to hurt any more. I want to remember the good times without that awful day tainting them. I hope you understand.
I love you darling, RIP, & will see you again one day xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
