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Forum/Server Upgrade If you are reading this you have made it to the upgraded forum. Posts made on the old forum after 26th October 2023 have not been transfered. Everything else should be here. If you find any issues please let us know.
This time of year isn't helping. I usually have to deal with some degree of S.A.D. during the darker months, and while my mind is already gripped with a degree of numbness due to these events, the residual shock and depression continues to break through at inopportune moments.
I want to upload some of his photos to this thread but I can't look at them yet. I will do so eventually...and I need to do the same with Jenna's.
Just taking some time to run out and buy food yesterday was a Herculean task. Getting into the car is a very tactile reminder. That last car ride is still too fresh in my mind.
I thought I heard him meow at me when I got home and was pulling out the groceries. It almost sent me to my knees.
Even my daughter, who wasn't keen on my having tried to keep him, feels the loss.
What really hurts is it was all so unnecessary. If we didn't have another cat (and probably if I were a wealthy client) Sully might not have needed to be euthanized, at least not yet. I'm still so angry at whoever was responsible for his condition.
I have been so physically tired and low today. It's been impossible to avoid taking a few unscheduled naps and now it's 3 a.m. here and I'm wide awake with a blinding headache. I thought I'd sunk low after my divorce, but losing Jenna and Sully has brought me to an even lower ring of Hell.
It's stunning how deeply his gentle presence affected me in such a short time. I had really tried not to become attached.
I guess I failed.
Thank you, everyone.
Broke down in the car again after work. I'd held it together pretty well most of the day. If I could just stop thinking about the "why" of it all. You're right, Steph. It's not fair that this happened to him.
I really hope that whoever bit his paw is not infected now. The vet said it seemed like a cat bite. I would feel doubly terrible.
Bunny momma, yeah I've done some googling unfortunately and I do realize he could've even caught it from his mom. It's nothing I could've prevented. It's just such a waste of life.
I do think something might have been going on besides just FIV because he was a bit thin and tatty when he came to us. Yet he ate like a horse and only at the start of his time with me was he tossing up food right after eating. He hunted like a lion, a bird every other day despite my offerings, so I got him wormed and flea treated and a few days to a week later the vomiting stopped but his voice would be hoarse at times and he had a wheeze. I also gave him smaller meals more frequently and stuck to boiled chicken for the most part. I can't believe what we spent in chicken breast. He became absolutely huge on it.
He'd just been such a vibrant creature the longer I cared for him... so for the paw wound to take him down so quickly...yeah, there was some kind of advancing disease there. I mean, maybe...I don't know. Perhaps I'm trying to justify blindly accepting the vet's prognosis and recommendation. Normally I'd have fought harder for a pet no matter the circumstances...but I just crumpled.
I've found photos of him in my phone beginning back around 21 September. I decided his birthday would be October 13 though, since he was at least a few years old. I wonder how old he actually was? He must've been a housecat at one time because he was missing that upper right fang and it wasn't a recent wound...the gum on that side looked healthy and pink as if it was a past surgery rather than a battle scar.
He is already fading in my battered and useless memory...a dulled reminiscence that will bring occasional tears. I haven't even really taken time to grieve Jenna properly and feel I've forgotten her completely. It's a very odd and disturbing state of mind that I've not experienced before.
This has been an awful year that I'd hoped would've had more promise. I'll be glad to see the back of it, tbh.
I'm glad you're not having to sleep rough on my porch, Sully, but I miss seeing your sweet face greeting me when I come home from work or feeling your paws on my legs when you'd stretch up for a hug. Even Squeegee keeps going to the front door...though he's probably hoping for a morsel of food since that's how I'd feed you, and then him.
That frog that was croaking from the rose bush that day is still here. But you are gone.
I do not have any words that can take away your pain, I have read your recent posts and just didn’t know how to respond. I can’t do the same again, so in the absence of words of comfort I am sending you many hugs. You have been such a caring, supportive friend to me over many years. We will probably never meet irl, but you have been one of the very few people who have stuck by me despite my ‘issues’. Your unique ability to have compassion for people like me is equalled by your compassion toward any animal that comes into your care. Even if the animal cannot be saved you have still helped them
Thank you all so much.
I am sorry to keep posting in these threads...I don't want to bring anyone down and I hope it doesn't look like I'm begging sympathy or attention...it is not my intent. It's just that I'm at more of a loss these days in being able to process these feelings. I guess it gets harder the older one is or something. This last few months have really knocked me for six.
I speak to my daughter about Sully and Jenna so often that I fear it's getting on top of her already difficult emotional issues. I sure don't want anyone here to feel this way either.
I'm confused as to why I'm having so much trouble with the grief surrounding these losses. Jenna was very old and very ill and her passing, while tragic, was necessary, for lack of a better word. Sully was even more tragic as I feel he still had years of love to give and receive. A tiny virus made that impossible and the injustice of it just won't leave my heart. But there's so much more and worse things going on in the world...and while I'm not blind to any of it, why do these two lives count for any more (or less) than those of the suffering anywhere on our planet?
I think, had he not come so briefly into my life, that losing Jenna would've taken me down a much darker path than it did. I'm still shattered by her passing but Sully deflected that somewhat. So when I had to make the call for him it put me more in a state of silent anger rather that sorrow. Obviously I'm still grieved for both of them but I'm also in a void that I can't explain and don't recognize.
Please forgive my rambling. It's 4:00 a.m. here, I've woken from an uneasy sleep and RU is one of the first places I come to. I wanted to acknowledge all your kind words, hugs and thoughts for me. You all are so wonderful...I could not get through this without you.
I know you've all felt similar pain and I am so sorry that you can relate to this. Isn't it strange that it doesn't matter how much or how little time they spend in our lives, but our animal friends leave such deep marks on our souls? It's astounding when you think about it.
But anyway, thank you all for posting. I really hope at some point I can put some images up. I'm having difficulty uploading photos due to the size the pictures are on my phone and it won't download them to my laptop anymore for some stupid reason that I've not sussed out yet. I'm worried my phone's memory will tank and I'll lose them. It appears some of Jenna’s have already gone dark and it worries me.
Well this post was a lot that didn't have to do with Sully so I'll stop here. But please know I appreciate all the kind thoughts you've had for me. And Jane...thank you for being there. I know if our worlds had been closer physically we'd have had more than one cuppa and a chin wag or two over the fence. We are fortunate to have this virtual relationship in absence of an irl one and that in itself is immensely comforting to me.
You have nothing to apologise for and it doesn't come across as attention seeking at all. Sometimes grief hits us in ways that we can't explain, and knowing that we did the right thing for the animals concerned doesn't lessen the pain at all.
I have no words of wisdom but I do hope that you find some comfort from sharing with people who understand just a tiny bit of what you're going through.