Thank you everyone.
There are no words for my despair. I wish there had been more time; time to think about what I was doing this morning, time with him...he never got to sleep on my bed, have a warm, dry house to watch birds outside the window, a companion in Squeegee to play with...and all my devotion. He pulled me out of my pit of sorrow at losing Jenna. Now I'm drowning in regrets.
It was so miserable, cold, windy and wet all night...and he suffered in it in pain. He had the shelter I built him, but it wasn't anywhere near what I meant for him. I'm certain he didn't move from it after I last fed him at around 10:30 last night to when I gave him his chicken this morning. He must've been so uncomfortable.
When I was in my early 20's I lost my Siamese who had been with me since I was 10 years old. She had FIP. I fought so hard and spent so much trying to save her from an incurable disease that had taken firm hold of her. I remember her eyes the last time I saw her alive, pleading with me to stop...she passed on her own in a cage at the vet 30 minutes later.
Sully seemed so well last week. He was still so strong today that I fought to crate him. Even after he'd been injected and had stopped breathing the vet had to ask for more euthanasia solution to stop his heart. He died in the few moments that we waited for the nurse to return.
He didn't want to leave.
I told him while we were driving in that everything would be okay...that we'd get his paw fixed up and come home. I'd been telling him for weeks that as soon as he passed his physical he'd come in the house which he clearly wanted. And which I realized, in the time I'd spent with him since he arrived, how badly I needed. And now....all my promises were broken. That quickly...without the peace I had hoped to give him...he's gone.
I'm destroyed by his loss. I'm furious with whoever dumped him for not taking better care of his gentle soul. May they rot in hell. Look what I had to do to clean up their mess.
No amount of care I gave him can balance my grief and guilt. I can't see this as good in any way.
I'm so, so sorry, Sully.




