matt-u/d he's gone-u/d-vets thoughts p226

[biscandmatt1]

i feel guilty because i can't write matts rainbow bridge thread. it is too painful. there is so much i want to say about him and so many memories to share. i feel like if i start writing it then i will totally break down and i'm scared if i do that then it will never stop. maybe when he is back home on friday then i can start to write his tribute and maybe it will be good for me to have a really good cry. at the moment i can't seem to, and when i start to i have to push it away again because i can't bear to feel it. it makes me think that i must be really not coping because normally i am a panic, hysterical crying kind of person and right now i am too calm. o/h said that and so did my mum and dad. they are always more worried about me when i don't speak, don't seem to react or cry and i know they are right because then when it does happen it is usually horrendous. i wonder if taking painkillers is making me feel this way. i know i shouldn't be but they seem to take the edge off. i need to be here for bisc aswell so maybe that is why i am trying to keep it together, because of how in tune he is with my feelings. i don't want to upset him. if i didn't have bisc to look after then i think i would just hide in bed. sometimes i feel like i could very calmly just go and step off a bridge or something. (i won't do this) but just saying that when i am 'calm', usually that means i'm worse and a massive down time is to come.

sorry if this makes no sense. i don't even explain very well.

what is this feeling in my stomach aswell? it's like someone has punched me so hard, but the punch is stuck there. it's so bad i feel like it's winding me. no idea if that makes any sense. my body feels 'floppy' aswell like it has totally drained itself and my mind is just 'out of it'

see now i want to cry and scream but i'm pushing it away for some reason.

when i kissed him at the crematorium and stroked his ears, i thought for a second that he did tooth purrs.

 

[ripminnie]

I totally get it i felt like that too; it took me 10 days before i wrote Honey's tribute it really is just time, it takes a long time before you can function kind of normally, but even now i still cry a lot for Honey especially the last couple of weeks, there's been a lot of reminders lately, and so many lovely bunnies going to the bridge i wish they could all live forever big hugs xxxxxx

 

[BerryJane]

Matts passing was so out of the blue and quick that it is very raw for you and will be for a while. You will write things down when you feel able and if it takes a while then so be it - there is no rush. Maybe jot down a few things when you think of them and then at a later time when you feel able you can piece them altogether. Your love for Matt is evident for all to see and ao many of us have experienced the acute pain of the loss you are feeling now. Try to hold on to the knowledge of what you did for Matt and are continuing to do for Bisc. Take care xxxx

 

[MimzMum]

I couldn't imagine writing a tribute so soon. No need for feelings of guilt, it is simply that you may feel it finalizes things when you may not be ready to do so.
These are all familiar feelings in my own experience: the shutting off or shutting out. It's a survival mechanism. It's too painful to touch these emotions right now. I agree that if you can get bits and bobs of them out here and there on paper it may be helpful so that when the dam bursts it won't be as catastrophic.
Keep posting here if you can and of course keep talking to you family. I'm thinking of you and continuing to send ((((((((hugs)))))))).
Any passing of a beloved animal companion is difficult, but when one leaves due to something so hard to define I think it just makes it all that much harder to grasp and process.
I hope things become easier as each day passes and when Matt comes home. xxxx

 

[biscandmatt1]

i have just been able to see matt. he was sat in his corner. he even put his ear forward and they moved when he was chewing. the way he ate hay.

i know hallucinations are part of grief, but i was wasn't looking for him, i could just see him. not clear like a real image, but him in a misty kind of way. i know some people don't believe, but you never know, he could be visiting us. whatever reason, i am just happy to see him.

i saw ches aswell after he passed aswell.

 

[Zoobec]

Aww, still thinking of you at this difficult time the right time to write Matt's rainbow bridge tribute post will be when you feel ready to do it. Like others have said you could write bits down if it helps, but don't feel guilty about not doing it straight away, you need to be looking after yourself and being kind to yourself, please don't make things harder for yourself by feeling guilty. I hope Bisc is doing ok. Sending you hugs, and nose rubs for Bisc xx

 

[Jenova]

Your grieving process all sounds normal. You sound tired as well, emotionally. You can't force grief, it will come naturally on its own when you're ready. Don't ever feel that should should be acting a certain way or feeling a certain way because everyone is different and grief is very personal.

 

[biscandmatt1]

i feel 'ok' about the way we handled everything, except for one thing, which is playing on my mind, and that is that i didn't realise that he probably wanted to go that evening we spent with him and i feel like he might have carried on all night waiting for us to come back. when i saw him that evening, he looked poorly but he was looking at us and he responded to us. i told him to fight if he could, but if he couldn't then to pass if he needed to. what if he was trying to tell me that he wanted to go and i didn't see that. there had only been a very slight improvement since starting the blood transfusion and i decided to give him the night to rest and see if there was anymore change before deciding what to do. as it turned out, there had been no change and we got there too late. it kills me that we were about an hour too late. i hope he doesn't feel like i let him down. i feel like i left him to die slowly all night. what if was waiting for us. just an hour, and we would have been there. i could have held him and let him go with us there.

i thought giving him overnight would be the right thing. i've let him down.

now the tears are pouring out.

 

[Jenova]

I don't see it like that at all. I see it that he got to see you one more time and then he was left with his brother to pass as he needed to in his own time. If it was right for him to go then, then he would have told you and you would have known. But for him it was right that he passed naturally. There is nothing wrong with dying slowly. He was pain free, he was just tired and he probably just fell asleep with his brother and he was probably happy too.

You spend a lot of time with your rabbits and you know them really well. You would have known if he was trying to tell you. He chose his own way to go.

 

[biscandmatt1]

I don't see it like that at all. I see it that he got to see you one more time and then he was left with his brother to pass as he needed to in his own time. If it was right for him to go then, then he would have told you and you would have known. But for him it was right that he passed naturally. There is nothing wrong with dying slowly. He was pain free, he was just tired and he probably just fell asleep with his brother and he was probably happy too.

You spend a lot of time with your rabbits and you know them really well. You would have known if he was trying to tell you. He chose his own way to go.

i'm so glad we saw him that evening because i am sure he wasn't in any pain. he was being kept comfortable. the vet nurse, who was so lovely, said that matt was probably unaware of most of what was happening around him. he seemed to know that bisc was there and he responded the most he had all day when me and dan were there. bisc and matt were on the table, holding paws, and matt was on a thick fleece to make him comfortable. i had my arm around him and we very gently stroked and kissed him. he looked for dan after he saw me. dan was matts most special person. he had a strong bond with me, but when he was ever poorly, it was always dan who could get him to eat again.

i know matt felt comforted to have us there. we were all together again, our little family. it was special.

i also hope that he didn't give up because they moved him from bisc. they spent all that time together but matts temperature dropped very low and they had no choice but to move him to an incubator. i think he would have been unaware at that point though. i think it's nice that bisc and matt spent that night together, as they always had, snuggled next to each other. bisc was also calm so he can't have felt distressed with matts condition. i hope moving matt from bisc didn't cause matt to give up. i think he was leaving for the bridge though anyway. i think they both knew before we did aswell. so having that night to snuggle and say goodbye was probably a good thing for them.

i suppose if i had let him go without giving the blood transfusion a chance, even just overnight, then i would have been upset about letting him go too soon or not fighting for him.

maybe, thinking about it, if he was comfortable and pain free, it is nice that bisc and matt got to spend the night together to say goodbye and come to terms with what was happening. bisc seemed to have already started to grieve to me. they would have known i think.

i know he knew how much he was loved. he gave so much love back aswell. he loved everything! he was so affectionate and loving. such a good boy and an absolute sweetheart. i miss him.

 

[dextertherat]

It seems like you are just going through the normal grieving process. Its over 2 months since my girl Kimble died and I still can't bring myself to write a tribute, I can't even read other peoples tributes yet. I know the day will eventually come when I can bring myself to do it.

 

[biscandmatt1]

the crematorium just rang. the said one of their drivers is coming near us for some reason and would we like them to bring matt back to us today he will be here before half one. my matt will be home. x

dextertherat - hugs x

 

[biscandmatt1]

he's home i feel so much better now he is back here where he belongs.

also, the vet has received my email and is going to go through it all properly and get back in touch with us. so hopefully a bit more insight into what happened soon.

x

 

[Jenova]

That's great news. I hope the vet explaining everything will help as well.

 

[biscandmatt1]

i don't know when the vet will be in touch. there is no rush really. i expect it will be sometime over the next few days. i'm not desperate for any explanations but just some idea would be good. i did ask to be sent matts receipt and that came today and has listed what he had and i can see from that what the vet was doing and that there can't have been any blockage because of some of the meds that were given.

i read online that a blood glucose reading can tell if there is a blockage so an xray isn't always needed? the vet just wanted matt on a drip and pain relief straight away and then when she got the blood glucose reading back, he was started on gut meds aswell.

i know she asked if she could take extra blood aswell to have incase she wanted more testing to be done later on, so that was taken. i was asked if she could make the decision for matt without contacting us because she wanted to get his blood transfusion as soon as possible on hearing some other test results, so i said yes of course. i don't think there was time to test bisc's blood so she chose to use pre-packed blood sooner.

it made me sad reading the receipt because it says 'rabbit intensive care' and when ches was ill and passed away, it didn't say that, just admission i think. so he was obviously very very poorly.

anyway, that's a bit of what i already know but i'll see what the vet says aswell and update this for anyone researching in future, or anyone who might be interested.

i don't know if i am going crazy but i couldn't see matt in the corner anymore, then just before i saw him in the hut. maybe because i am expecting to see him around. i know i keep just forgetting and thinking he's asleep somewhere, then i remember.

 

[Den]

I am so so sorry to read this. (I havent been on RU much this week).

Please, please dont blame yourself, you did everything you could, and once you get your reply from the vets, hopefully that will help you too.

You will know when/if Bisc needs you to get a friend. My Will needed a companion after I lost Poppy so we let him choose Nancy, I couldnt have "chosen" one so soon after her death.

You have said some very kind, wise and comforting words to me in the recent past but is's very hard to apply them to oneself I think.

I'm sure you'll write a wonderful tribut to Matt in due course, and in the meantime loads of hugs for you and Bisc.

Binky Free gorgeous boy Mattxxx

 

[biscandmatt1]

I am so so sorry to read this. (I havent been on RU much this week).

Please, please dont blame yourself, you did everything you could, and once you get your reply from the vets, hopefully that will help you too.

You will know when/if Bisc needs you to get a friend. My Will needed a companion after I lost Poppy so we let him choose Nancy, I couldnt have "chosen" one so soon after her death.

You have said some very kind, wise and comforting words to me in the recent past but is's very hard to apply them to oneself I think.

I'm sure you'll write a wonderful tribut to Matt in due course, and in the meantime loads of hugs for you and Bisc.

Binky Free gorgeous boy Mattxxx

thank you xxx

 

[biscandmatt1]

even though that pic i posted is beautiful, i think i might go with another for his casket. just because his colour changed alot since that pic and i want a more recent one. thinking of one of these:

(i love this one so if anyone knows how to erase the redness from his ear that would be amazing!) his ear totally healed but he never grew any fur back there bless him.

 

[MimzMum]

I think I have a program that will take the imperfections completely out of a picture.

Voila!

 

[biscandmatt1]

I think I have a program that will take the imperfections completely out of a picture.

Voila!

am i allowed to say i love you!! thank you so much. i'm going with this pic for his casket because it is just a typical matt pic. loved when he did this sweet look.