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Utter despair & devastated beyond belief. Update - Closure post48

Thank you all, so much, for your kind and comforting words. Whilst nothing does take the pain away, it helps so much to know there are people who truly do understand. Most 'normal'? (using the term lightly) people I suppose would think 'it's just a rabbit' - for these people it really is the exact same to them finding what is left of their dog, like this. It is just as horrifying for any of us to find our beloved pets gone this way.

I have tried to write a reply to this thread a couple of times and had found it a bit much till now but please understand you all really are helping, and most importantly, appreciated. I am reading, even if I am quiet, when things are tough.

I was really bad for the following couple of days with a bad migraine and episodes of crying. The day I found Micky was gone I was actually physically sick - which says something for me as I'm usually what I'd consider more of an emotionally 'hard' person with things like this. Migraine has thankfully gone, and the shock has sank in a bit more, which sadly has just opened the flood gates of grief. I'm totally pining for my boy, and there's such an empty space. It's unbearable to go into the garden, and not have him running down his run to say hello to me. I'm hoping other half will take the run apart and move hutch to the back of the garden out the way to make things a bit easier for me. I don't feel very strong at the moment. I don't think, I will ever truly get over this nasty shock.

We haven't approached any neighbours, and I think I may leave it now. I suppose I'm frightened of their response. I don't want to upset anybody, but likewise it would rub too much salt into the wound if the person who opened the door was uncaring and said 'Sorry, yes, but it's what dog's do' - I just couldn't cope with that. It still could have been a fox I guess. Daphne Phoebe has been incredibly supportive, and looked at pictures for me. It's definitely not fox faeces, and would immediately think dog - but we're also unsure at this point if I got it wrong and it could be cecum matter as the cecum did have a tear in it (sorry guys, it's not nice to read but reading is no where bad as seeing it, I can promise that much).

I don't think I'll ever get the answers, other than at least I know he is not just ''missing' and never knowing the truth. At least I know he's gone, and I can move on, at some point. It's always at the front of my mind that no matter how much I'm suffering right now, it's nothing to what he suffered and I'll never forgive myself for that.

I do appreciate all the lovely people who have told me not to blame myself, and particularly, have shared their own tragic experiences (I wouldn't wish it on a worst enemy!!) but it helps me feel a bit more human, and not a total failure. I do accept responsibility though. It does feel as though sometimes, if something wants in it will find a way, so for me, I just couldn't keep pets outside ever again. I think the worst of it is, he was due to be moved indoors soon, when Autumn had been spayed, and he would of safe. I think that's the real kick in the teeth.



Re rehoming the pets. It's not because I don't love them I'm considering it, it's because I do. Even indoors, I'm terribly fretting I will fail them again. I also need to think of Autumns needs. Autumn is incredibly human orientated, and actually loves being picked up, cuddled, and kissed. She loves to groom people! But I know nothing makes up for company of her own kind. I need to think of her needs, and don't know if I'm strong enough to open my heart to another bun - it just ends in heartbreak. OH has said point blank she's not going bless him, he loves her as much as he loved Micky. But they and their needs have to come first. I won't be making any rash decisions as I know I'm not in good place right now. But the thought of another bun is incomprehensible. I think the piggies will stay, but jeez is it hard to think of losing any more :( I don't feel cut out for this.

I just want to say another thank you to the member who pointed out that Micky was/is not his body. This really helped me come to terms with having nothing left to say goodbye to. I guess I need to find another way to say goodbye to him. I've mentioned it before about Battlekats wonderful personalised necklaces of buns, but I think this would be a wonderful momento and way to say goodbye, so hopefully when funds are up I can see if she can/will make one of Micky & Autumn. I can focus on that rather than his missing body, and I think that will be my way of saying goodbye.

Sorry for super long post! There's so much twirling around my head. Such a painful time, but you all are wonderful people who really do help others at times like this. xxxxxxxxxxx
 
JessBun said:
Thank you all, so much, for your kind and comforting words. Whilst nothing does take the pain away, it helps so much to know there are people who truly do understand. Most 'normal'? (using the term lightly) people I suppose would think 'it's just a rabbit' - for these people it really is the exact same to them finding what is left of their dog, like this. It is just as horrifying for any of us to find our beloved pets gone this way.

I have tried to write a reply to this thread a couple of times and had found it a bit much till now but please understand you all really are helping, and most importantly, appreciated. I am reading, even if I am quiet, when things are tough.

I was really bad for the following couple of days with a bad migraine and episodes of crying. The day I found Micky was gone I was actually physically sick - which says something for me as I'm usually what I'd consider more of an emotionally 'hard' person with things like this. Migraine has thankfully gone, and the shock has sank in a bit more, which sadly has just opened the flood gates of grief. I'm totally pining for my boy, and there's such an empty space. It's unbearable to go into the garden, and not have him running down his run to say hello to me. I'm hoping other half will take the run apart and move hutch to the back of the garden out the way to make things a bit easier for me. I don't feel very strong at the moment. I don't think, I will ever truly get over this nasty shock.

We haven't approached any neighbours, and I think I may leave it now. I suppose I'm frightened of their response. I don't want to upset anybody, but likewise it would rub too much salt into the wound if the person who opened the door was uncaring and said 'Sorry, yes, but it's what dog's do' - I just couldn't cope with that. It still could have been a fox I guess. Daphne Phoebe has been incredibly supportive, and looked at pictures for me. It's definitely not fox faeces, and would immediately think dog - but we're also unsure at this point if I got it wrong and it could be cecum matter as the cecum did have a tear in it (sorry guys, it's not nice to read but reading is no where bad as seeing it, I can promise that much).

I don't think I'll ever get the answers, other than at least I know he is not just ''missing' and never knowing the truth. At least I know he's gone, and I can move on, at some point. It's always at the front of my mind that no matter how much I'm suffering right now, it's nothing to what he suffered and I'll never forgive myself for that.

I do appreciate all the lovely people who have told me not to blame myself, and particularly, have shared their own tragic experiences (I wouldn't wish it on a worst enemy!!) but it helps me feel a bit more human, and not a total failure. I do accept responsibility though. It does feel as though sometimes, if something wants in it will find a way, so for me, I just couldn't keep pets outside ever again. I think the worst of it is, he was due to be moved indoors soon, when Autumn had been spayed, and he would of safe. I think that's the real kick in the teeth.



Re rehoming the pets. It's not because I don't love them I'm considering it, it's because I do. Even indoors, I'm terribly fretting I will fail them again. I also need to think of Autumns needs. Autumn is incredibly human orientated, and actually loves being picked up, cuddled, and kissed. She loves to groom people! But I know nothing makes up for company of her own kind. I need to think of her needs, and don't know if I'm strong enough to open my heart to another bun - it just ends in heartbreak. OH has said point blank she's not going bless him, he loves her as much as he loved Micky. But they and their needs have to come first. I won't be making any rash decisions as I know I'm not in good place right now. But the thought of another bun is incomprehensible. I think the piggies will stay, but jeez is it hard to think of losing any more :( I don't feel cut out for this.

I just want to say another thank you to the member who pointed out that Micky was/is not his body. This really helped me come to terms with having nothing left to say goodbye to. I guess I need to find another way to say goodbye to him. I've mentioned it before about Battlekats wonderful personalised necklaces of buns, but I think this would be a wonderful momento and way to say goodbye, so hopefully when funds are up I can see if she can/will make one of Micky & Autumn. I can focus on that rather than his missing body, and I think that will be my way of saying goodbye.

Sorry for super long post! There's so much twirling around my head. Such a painful time, but you all are wonderful people who really do help others at times like this. xxxxxxxxxxx
Click to expand...

still thinking of you :cry: xx
 
You feel exactly how I felt after Larka (dog) was killed. It's entirely normal, I assure you, and the grief I felt and still feel is just horrific. I said I'd never get another dog and that I was incapable of looking after my other animals. The decision was made for me (parents got another dog shortly after) and I have, in fact, just adopted another.

It's hard but you will survive. You aren't a bad owner or incapable of giving your animals good lives. Give yourself time to grieve. :'( Sending hugs your way.
 
Thank you everyone xxx

We finally have some sort of closure - I just wasn't really up to posting it till now. I knew since it happened that whatever it was that took Micky from us, would return if it could, now it knows there is prey to be had. And it didn't take very long..

Was struggling to get to sleep about 4am when the security light went off, I looked out the window and there it was, sniffing around his hutch+run (which had been moved) in the full beam of the light, totally unconcerned about it! The biggest fox I have ever seen, it was huge. I woke my other half up, and he was surprised at the size of it too. He had some choice words for it and I chased it off too. It must be urban, because it really wasn't bothered by us, or the beaming light, and it looked in great condition (no wonder, eh).

It's the result we would have rathered in truth, an animal trying to survive so at least he didn't go to 'waste' like he would of if it was somebody's pet. Also, being that it's just trying to survive, it would have known what it's doing & hopefully was unlikely to have took much time, and I hope it was a quick passing for him, though I know he would of been frightened :( A cat or a dog would have likely 'toyed' with him, which just never bared thinking about. Odd, that both of us agreed if we had seen this animal in any other circumstance we would of been in awe of it, the size, watching it wonder around the garden. Seeing exactly the individual that took him though, made me feel sick to the core and drove it all home again. But having the answers (and the preferable one too) has helped. As have all of you. Putting it all down, the worst of it, helps release all this from my mind.

It still feels almost yesterday since it happened and I miss him incredibly, every day. His super soft fur, his wonderful nature and his love for nose rubs. He was the most gentle creature I've ever had the fortune of sharing my life with. Occasionally I still find myself going to make up his food along with the others indoors, then remember. Or I think 'I'll go and say hello to Micky' and then remember. Sometimes, out of nowhere, I get hit by a sudden gut wrenching of just missing him. :( I'm going to make a rainbow bridge post soon, to remember his life. :love:
 
JessBun said:
Thank you everyone xxx

We finally have some sort of closure - I just wasn't really up to posting it till now. I knew since it happened that whatever it was that took Micky from us, would return if it could, now it knows there is prey to be had. And it didn't take very long..

Was struggling to get to sleep about 4am when the security light went off, I looked out the window and there it was, sniffing around his hutch+run (which had been moved) in the full beam of the light, totally unconcerned about it! The biggest fox I have ever seen, it was huge. I woke my other half up, and he was surprised at the size of it too. He had some choice words for it and I chased it off too. It must be urban, because it really wasn't bothered by us, or the beaming light, and it looked in great condition (no wonder, eh).

It's the result we would have rathered in truth, an animal trying to survive so at least he didn't go to 'waste' like he would of if it was somebody's pet. Also, being that it's just trying to survive, it would have known what it's doing & hopefully was unlikely to have took much time, and I hope it was a quick passing for him, though I know he would of been frightened :( A cat or a dog would have likely 'toyed' with him, which just never bared thinking about. Odd, that both of us agreed if we had seen this animal in any other circumstance we would of been in awe of it, the size, watching it wonder around the garden. Seeing exactly the individual that took him though, made me feel sick to the core and drove it all home again. But having the answers (and the preferable one too) has helped. As have all of you. Putting it all down, the worst of it, helps release all this from my mind.

It still feels almost yesterday since it happened and I miss him incredibly, every day. His super soft fur, his wonderful nature and his love for nose rubs. He was the most gentle creature I've ever had the fortune of sharing my life with. Occasionally I still find myself going to make up his food along with the others indoors, then remember. Or I think 'I'll go and say hello to Micky' and then remember. Sometimes, out of nowhere, I get hit by a sudden gut wrenching of just missing him. :( I'm going to make a rainbow bridge post soon, to remember his life. :love:
Click to expand...


Oh Jess I am pleased and sorry that you saw the fox. It must have been harrowing but as you say, brings some closure to a very soul destroying episode. I too hope that Micky had a swift end, it seems very likely.

Bless you and sending you hugs for healing. It's so hard when they aren't there any more, so hard :(
 
More hugs being sent. It must have been awful seeing the fox but I hope it helps to not be wondering any more. I am so sorry xx
 
It's good you now know what happened but I'm sure it gives you little comfort. Hope it gets a little easier for you in time, thinking of you x
 
At least you know now,however sad the outcome was.I no longer have rabbits ,my two were total house rabbits because we have urban foxes in the garden every night.However sadly it's the two legged vermin I was most worried about,we can be seen from the road on two sides.The garden could not be secure.More hugs for you.xx
 
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