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Multiple Losses- How to 'Cope' ?
- Thread starter Jack's-Jane
- Start date
I dont really have an answer for 'how to cope'. I've lost 4 animals in the last 2 weeks and nearly had another pts, it's still very much on the cards for him.
I'm finding it harder just now because we are not taking in any more and that makes it feel we are not doing anything positive. I don't really cope, as such, I cry, plod on looking after the others in my care and I'm happy at least those who we lost were loved and suffered as little as possible.
I'm finding it harder just now because we are not taking in any more and that makes it feel we are not doing anything positive. I don't really cope, as such, I cry, plod on looking after the others in my care and I'm happy at least those who we lost were loved and suffered as little as possible.
Some people are just ignorant and don't understand how you care for your buns. Due to your care your rabbits have lived long past the age they would have done in an average bunny keeping home. It's pure coincidence that so many have passed at once and nothing to do with your care. I know you know that. I was told a theory of grief once, but have never found it since the poached egg theory. If you imagine an egg yolk, that is your grief, gradually surrounding that yolk Is a very thin circle of egg white. The egg white is the other things in your life and over time at different speeds for different people that white will expand. The size of the yolk, the grief stays the same, but eventually, the yolk proportionately becomes smaller and do easier to cope with. I have no idea if that makes any sense or even if it is helpful. No one could walk in your shoes and lose those beloved furry family and not be devastated by what has happened. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that your grief is warranted. Sending you love and hugs xxx
Looking at the beautuful photos of Lydia, Harry, Jo, Bobby, Flynn, Jessica and Dermot even I find it hard to comprehend how this must make you feel and how devastating it must have been to say goodbye to them all in less than two weeks.
Always non bunny idiots that sày really bloody annoying and totally inappropriate comments. My neighbours husband said if MrB didn't make it, a few months back, I could eat him. Stupid bloody idiot. He makes jokes all the time and they are not funny at all. It always makes you realize there is still an astonishing amount of ignorance in the world.
We know how important bunnies are and we understand.
Always non bunny idiots that sày really bloody annoying and totally inappropriate comments. My neighbours husband said if MrB didn't make it, a few months back, I could eat him. Stupid bloody idiot. He makes jokes all the time and they are not funny at all. It always makes you realize there is still an astonishing amount of ignorance in the world.
We know how important bunnies are and we understand.
Den
Mama Doe
I can't begin to comprehend how you must be feeling right now, nor am I clever or sensitive enough to offer advice on how to cope, however I think you are coping but maybe don't realise. The fact you're asking/talking things through on here is a kind of coping strategy. Also the fact that you're offering support, sympathy and advice for other RU members in need is truly admirable bearing in mind your own grief.
And yes, you're right, there are some complete
out there. I forgot to return a call to a client last Thursday when Nancy was at the vets, so called first thing Friday. The lady was really sympathetic to start with (my boss had told her about Nancy -goodness knows why) and she was saying how expensive her dogs vets fees had been. I mentioned Nancy was insured. She couldn't believe I'd insured 'just a rabbit ' and I could have bought a new one with the excess amount.
And yes, you're right, there are some complete
out there. I forgot to return a call to a client last Thursday when Nancy was at the vets, so called first thing Friday. The lady was really sympathetic to start with (my boss had told her about Nancy -goodness knows why) and she was saying how expensive her dogs vets fees had been. I mentioned Nancy was insured. She couldn't believe I'd insured 'just a rabbit ' and I could have bought a new one with the excess amount.Gemmapookie
Wise Old Thumper
Time. Just keep going through every unbearable minute and it will somehow become bearable eventually. That's all you can do xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
newbabybuns
Warren Veteran
Some people just have no idea how to be sensitive!
When something likes this happens I think we don't have time to process and grieve each loss properly and it feels like a whirlwind in our mind. I think the only way to cope is to let out emotions when they are needed to be either by crying buckets if needed, or talking on here/other places to like minded people who understand. I also think back to times when I have had another rough time of it and think as hard and overwhelming as it felt at the time, and while it is still sad, I did get through it. Hope that helps Jane xxx
When something likes this happens I think we don't have time to process and grieve each loss properly and it feels like a whirlwind in our mind. I think the only way to cope is to let out emotions when they are needed to be either by crying buckets if needed, or talking on here/other places to like minded people who understand. I also think back to times when I have had another rough time of it and think as hard and overwhelming as it felt at the time, and while it is still sad, I did get through it. Hope that helps Jane xxx
I think people cope in different ways so there isn't a right/wrong way and it's different even for the same person losing a different pet. I don't have pet rats any more for the same reason, their normal lifespan is only 2-3 years, and with them living in groups it can feel like you're constantly worried about at least one, and you just get so attached it's heart breaking to keep having to let go.
One thing I would suggest is finding something to fill up your day, obviously with less bunnies on intensive meds you will inevitably find yourself with more spare time so dealing with grief plus that weird feeling of what to do with yourself when you've previously been busy I think just adds to it.
Maybe set yourself a challenge like drawing a picture a day or reading x pages of a book or writing a book or learning to knit (whatever you fancy) and be really strict with yourself about doing it - set a timer or mark a calendar.
One thing I would suggest is finding something to fill up your day, obviously with less bunnies on intensive meds you will inevitably find yourself with more spare time so dealing with grief plus that weird feeling of what to do with yourself when you've previously been busy I think just adds to it.
Maybe set yourself a challenge like drawing a picture a day or reading x pages of a book or writing a book or learning to knit (whatever you fancy) and be really strict with yourself about doing it - set a timer or mark a calendar.
Silverleaf
Alpha Buck
I think there are some fantastic counsellors out there, which is why I suggested counselling. I went to one for over a year and he was nothing but helpful. But there are different kinds of counselling!
I think the difference is that mine was a "person centred" counsellor. He wasn't trying to fix me, or treat me, and he didn't judge or do anything other than listen to me if I wanted to talk. We would talk about whatever I wanted and he'd just listen, maybe interjecting things like "That must have been difficult," or "Did that make you feel sad?" or "I'm sorry to hear that," if necessary. Sometimes I hardly spoke at all because I was crying so hard, and he'd pass me tissues and tell me it was fine if I didn't want to talk. It was literally all about me, all the time.
And that's what I needed. I needed to get angry, or cry, or sit in silence, or complain, or just explain what I was thinking and feeling. It was just like having a heart-to-heart with your best friend about your problems without the guilt or worry that you're boring them or that you should talk about them for a bit now. None of that difficult two-way social stuff that I just wasn't in a position to do when I was feeling so bad.
Because no matter how good your friends are, there's only so long they can listen to you without making it into a conversation which you don't have full control over. My most sympathetic friends eventually became bored that I wasn't recovering "fast" enough, and although they tried very hard to hide it I could see it in their faces. And to be fair to them, I was boring. Sometimes I upset them with the things I said, so eventually I kept things to myself.
With Mike though, I knew I could be as boring as I wanted. I could talk about the same thing week after week after week. I could just say the things I needed to say but didn't have anyone to say them to. I could tell him I wanted to die and show him my latest cuts and he didn't cry or beg me to stop or make me feel even worse about it. He just listened and was interested, and I needed that as much as I needed CBT.
Basically he wouldn't do all of the things I've done in this thread, or in the other thread.
I think the difference is that mine was a "person centred" counsellor. He wasn't trying to fix me, or treat me, and he didn't judge or do anything other than listen to me if I wanted to talk. We would talk about whatever I wanted and he'd just listen, maybe interjecting things like "That must have been difficult," or "Did that make you feel sad?" or "I'm sorry to hear that," if necessary. Sometimes I hardly spoke at all because I was crying so hard, and he'd pass me tissues and tell me it was fine if I didn't want to talk. It was literally all about me, all the time.
And that's what I needed. I needed to get angry, or cry, or sit in silence, or complain, or just explain what I was thinking and feeling. It was just like having a heart-to-heart with your best friend about your problems without the guilt or worry that you're boring them or that you should talk about them for a bit now. None of that difficult two-way social stuff that I just wasn't in a position to do when I was feeling so bad.
Because no matter how good your friends are, there's only so long they can listen to you without making it into a conversation which you don't have full control over. My most sympathetic friends eventually became bored that I wasn't recovering "fast" enough, and although they tried very hard to hide it I could see it in their faces. And to be fair to them, I was boring. Sometimes I upset them with the things I said, so eventually I kept things to myself.
With Mike though, I knew I could be as boring as I wanted. I could talk about the same thing week after week after week. I could just say the things I needed to say but didn't have anyone to say them to. I could tell him I wanted to die and show him my latest cuts and he didn't cry or beg me to stop or make me feel even worse about it. He just listened and was interested, and I needed that as much as I needed CBT.
Basically he wouldn't do all of the things I've done in this thread, or in the other thread.
Jack's-Jane
Wise Old Thumper
I wish I had the energy and motivation to do anything but breathe and try to continue to care for my 4 remaining Rabbits
Coping with poor Mental health is one thing, add in very poor and worsening physical health and paralysing grief and for me the situation is impossible
I realise that it must seem futile even posting on my threads as in reality there is nothing anyone can do or say to change things for me. Yes, I know, changes would need to come from me, from me being pro-active. But I am too exhausted, too defeated and too old.
Now I am simply marking time
Sorry if I sound like an ungrateful because I am unable to take up any suggestions made. I am just beyond defeated now
Coping with poor Mental health is one thing, add in very poor and worsening physical health and paralysing grief and for me the situation is impossible
I realise that it must seem futile even posting on my threads as in reality there is nothing anyone can do or say to change things for me. Yes, I know, changes would need to come from me, from me being pro-active. But I am too exhausted, too defeated and too old.
Now I am simply marking time
Sorry if I sound like an ungrateful
because I am unable to take up any suggestions made. I am just beyond defeated nowJane, people make suggestions because they care and and want to help- at the risk of being, well, me- that's 'their stuff'. And that's ok. That doesn't mean that you need to be taking the suggestions on, or feeling 'bad' or 'guilty' for not taking up the suggestions people are saying. It comes back to the quote that I was reminded of recently 'The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not, and never persist in trying to set people right' and this is where people need to be sitting, if they are giving you advice. You just need to be doing all you are doing- which is the best you can.
I haven't replied again since my last reply. I'm not sure I have any words of value, but I am reading, constantly reading and checking, and, mentally and emotionally, I am as with you as I can be.
I haven't replied again since my last reply. I'm not sure I have any words of value, but I am reading, constantly reading and checking, and, mentally and emotionally, I am as with you as I can be.
keletkezes
Wise Old Thumper
I never feel like I am wasting my time reading your threads Jane: I don't feel like you are attention-seeking or similar, but I also don't feel you are crying out for help in the same way a lot of people do. I think you are bouncing ideas off the forum, reaffirming your own thoughts and ideas. I think you must find this helpful or you wouldn't do it. And I think it's a great thing to do. I know, like many others, there's nothing I can say to help and I've never been in a situation like this, but I still want to know how you are, express my thanks for you being here and wish you well for the next few hours/days/weeks/years
I also wanted to add that me and my parents still talked to Charlie in the garden for some years after he died: for the first few months it was sort of accidental: we 'forgot' he'd died, and his run was still being used as a washing basket 'table', then a cabbage protector. After a while we just talked to him, and we're not really religious or spiritual people in that sort of way (we're very much what's gone is gone), which was odd but worked for us. Charlie was also not a hands-on rabbit: he was rarely unwell, he was out in the garden 24-7, 365, and was seen by someone twice a day for food check and water change. He wasn't in our house, being medicated, massaged, seen to every day, many times a day. None of us would describe him as a soul bunny (except maybe my Dad who cried as much as I did), but he was a loved family member and he still left a hole much bigger than his little Nethie self.
Find comfort where you can. I know change is not good for you so many suggestions will be fruitless for you, but we're here and you know that. We'll support you whether you take our advice or not, because we know you care and that's why I care too
I also wanted to add that me and my parents still talked to Charlie in the garden for some years after he died: for the first few months it was sort of accidental: we 'forgot' he'd died, and his run was still being used as a washing basket 'table', then a cabbage protector. After a while we just talked to him, and we're not really religious or spiritual people in that sort of way (we're very much what's gone is gone), which was odd but worked for us. Charlie was also not a hands-on rabbit: he was rarely unwell, he was out in the garden 24-7, 365, and was seen by someone twice a day for food check and water change. He wasn't in our house, being medicated, massaged, seen to every day, many times a day. None of us would describe him as a soul bunny (except maybe my Dad who cried as much as I did
), but he was a loved family member and he still left a hole much bigger than his little Nethie self.Find comfort where you can. I know change is not good for you so many suggestions will be fruitless for you, but we're here and you know that. We'll support you whether you take our advice or not, because we know you care and that's why I care too
At least expressing how you really feel here is something, one connection to the outside world that offers you support and understanding even if we cannot offer you direct help.
Toffee_kate
Warren Scout
I really hope you find some way to manage and get through this difficult time so that it becomes a little easier to deal with. I have no suggestions except that I hope the posts by all the people on here help you in some way xx
Silverleaf
Alpha Buck
Despite not being religious or spiritual and not believing in an afterlife of any kind, I do still talk to my dog Summer and my rabbit Neo who I lost only a few weeks ago. When my partner's around the animals "talk" back too!
I'm aware that it's very weird but I find comfort in it, because we "act" out their personalities and it's a lovely way to remember what they were like.Jane, I think we're suggesting things because we're just trying to help a bit - we can't directly help so at least we can give you ideas. Even if you dismiss everything (which is perfectly valid, nothing wrong with that), maybe at some point someone will say something that will resonate with you just a little bit, and inspire your own ideas, perhaps.
Zizi
Alpha Buck
Jane, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I have not been on here for a good few years but a link popped up today and one of the first things I did was have a look to see how you are. So here I am, astounded that this can happen to such a lovely and caring lady. I don't know what else to say but I am thinking of you, adding my voice to the others xxx
