binkyCodie
Mama Doe
I'm just.. struggling recently.
I'm sure many of you remember the little grey/blue idiot who I owned, who caused me to join this forum in the first place. he was very unwell with dental issues.. eventually after a long & hard battle, I made the decision to hold his little paw to the rainbow bridge.
that night at the vets he was much poorlier than the rest, no sign other than a tiny spur in one side, so his teeth were likely growing wrong deep within his jaw. he was so weak with stasis he couldn't stand, the only thing to starve off the pain was steroid injections...he couldn't eat anything. he just looked at me with such pain in his eyes that said to me, please let me go. so I did..and that hurt. he wouldn't have survived an operation, he wouldn't have survived x-rays. it was just the end of the road.
its been a year now, he was PTS 12th May 2017.. yet today especially I feel so down about it.
I realise as a 14 year old at the time.. there was not much more I could do. I tried my best. I fought for almost a year with him I think, I'm not sure how long it is now. it was all such a blur. the sleepless nights, the 3 different medications that made up 7 doses a day. the critical care that I stunk of, he stunk of, my clothes stained with it. the panic, the stress. it felt like all of that was for nothing. to just hold his paw to say goodbye.
I realise that I did my best. I realise that many others wouldn't have done as much as I did. I realise that it was the kindest thing to do.
yet I still sit here, blaming myself. maybe I could have done something different. I didn't know enough. I thought I did. he had a poor diet at the start of his life, way too many pellets, low quality pellet. he didn't eat much hay at all. it was low quality hay from wilkos. I wasn't aware there was a difference. he didn't really like it. he didn't have a friend.. he was just alone in his hutch.
I should have gotten x-rays. maybe we could have discovered what was happening and solved it. but I didn't. I couldn't afford it. I didn't consider it.
but also it hurts what others have said to me. it only pushes the blame further in my face. I've been shunned for what I did. I've been told that I could have saved him. that I shouldn't have thought about the money. so much much more has been said too.
everything is a maybe. maybe if I did that, maybe if I did this. but none of that matters, he's gone
I miss him, I miss him so much. I've spent this afternoon crying over him for some reason. it doesn't feel like its faded with time, it still feels like a punch in the gut.
I always imagined me moving in a apartment with him, and his sister Luna. I will be, just he will be there in the form of ashes and not a blue little ball.
I have Orion now, but its not Snoopy, he will never be Snoopy, no rabbit will ever be Snoopy. I know.
it feels so unfair. why? I did all I could. the time, heartache, love, stress & money I poured into him & him alone. all for it to end in a veterinary room, holding him, telling him how much I loved him, how much of a good boy he was, how much he had helped Luna, how much he meant to me, for all life to fade from his eyes and for his body to go limp. for Luna to nudge his body, try to keep it warm, licking him, as if to say "we're going home now". for him not to come home, for Luna to go home alone. for it all to end as a rabbit who was barely two years old and probably fought more than half his life unwell. for me to collect "him" two weeks later in a box.
I miss him so much, no words can describe it.
I'm sure many of you remember the little grey/blue idiot who I owned, who caused me to join this forum in the first place. he was very unwell with dental issues.. eventually after a long & hard battle, I made the decision to hold his little paw to the rainbow bridge.
that night at the vets he was much poorlier than the rest, no sign other than a tiny spur in one side, so his teeth were likely growing wrong deep within his jaw. he was so weak with stasis he couldn't stand, the only thing to starve off the pain was steroid injections...he couldn't eat anything. he just looked at me with such pain in his eyes that said to me, please let me go. so I did..and that hurt. he wouldn't have survived an operation, he wouldn't have survived x-rays. it was just the end of the road.
its been a year now, he was PTS 12th May 2017.. yet today especially I feel so down about it.
I realise as a 14 year old at the time.. there was not much more I could do. I tried my best. I fought for almost a year with him I think, I'm not sure how long it is now. it was all such a blur. the sleepless nights, the 3 different medications that made up 7 doses a day. the critical care that I stunk of, he stunk of, my clothes stained with it. the panic, the stress. it felt like all of that was for nothing. to just hold his paw to say goodbye.
I realise that I did my best. I realise that many others wouldn't have done as much as I did. I realise that it was the kindest thing to do.
yet I still sit here, blaming myself. maybe I could have done something different. I didn't know enough. I thought I did. he had a poor diet at the start of his life, way too many pellets, low quality pellet. he didn't eat much hay at all. it was low quality hay from wilkos. I wasn't aware there was a difference. he didn't really like it. he didn't have a friend.. he was just alone in his hutch.
I should have gotten x-rays. maybe we could have discovered what was happening and solved it. but I didn't. I couldn't afford it. I didn't consider it.
but also it hurts what others have said to me. it only pushes the blame further in my face. I've been shunned for what I did. I've been told that I could have saved him. that I shouldn't have thought about the money. so much much more has been said too.
everything is a maybe. maybe if I did that, maybe if I did this. but none of that matters, he's gone
I miss him, I miss him so much. I've spent this afternoon crying over him for some reason. it doesn't feel like its faded with time, it still feels like a punch in the gut.
I always imagined me moving in a apartment with him, and his sister Luna. I will be, just he will be there in the form of ashes and not a blue little ball.
I have Orion now, but its not Snoopy, he will never be Snoopy, no rabbit will ever be Snoopy. I know.
it feels so unfair. why? I did all I could. the time, heartache, love, stress & money I poured into him & him alone. all for it to end in a veterinary room, holding him, telling him how much I loved him, how much of a good boy he was, how much he had helped Luna, how much he meant to me, for all life to fade from his eyes and for his body to go limp. for Luna to nudge his body, try to keep it warm, licking him, as if to say "we're going home now". for him not to come home, for Luna to go home alone. for it all to end as a rabbit who was barely two years old and probably fought more than half his life unwell. for me to collect "him" two weeks later in a box.
I miss him so much, no words can describe it.