I just can't abide this anymore, and I'm sorry this is so self pitying.
I 'got stuck' with a bunny that I knew I could never ever take on, but 'moral blackmail' (as my dad called it), was used against me (in no so many words, but meaning 'if you don't take her I will have her put to sleep') and I've ended up with her.
It's too much. Seriously too, too much.
I know my limits, and this is beyond my limits. She is not in ideal accommodation (but gets out for a big run every day). She is getting all her physical needs met and having a marvellous time (if her binkies are anything to go by), but it doesn't change the fact she is one too many.
Every time I look at her I get so angry at everyone who let her down (which is every single person that has 'cared' for her up until I took her on), I feel sad for her that she has gone through this, and I feel so guilty for not wanting her, and then I just hate myself for not wanting her when none of this is her fault.
Unfortunately it's spreading to my others. They have all their needs met, they are spoilt rotten and very happy if their behaviour is anything to go by (with the exception of Angel, who seriously needs a friend right now), but I just feel I can't cope with them.
I'm shutting off from them, starting to resent them, even sometimes hate them, yet still do everything for them, cuddle and snuggle with those who want it, get them vet attention when they need it, I mean they seriously have my all. I don't want to hate my bunnies because they are the ONLY things in this world that give a damn about me. I know that deep down I love them so, so much and would move the world for any of them (including my newest addition), but at the same time, it's all being blighted by bitterness, guilt and anger.
I just feel like I'm failing them. And I'm seriously overwhelmed.
I have no intention to rehome any of them because any that come here as a permanent, stay here. The only one who may go, if a suitable, experienced owner is found, is my foster 'Baby', but he has upper respiratory issues and looks like he will develop spurs (the ironic thing being when I take him out on the harness is the only time I get any happiness from them at the moment bcause he is just so, so happy and funny on the harness with ridiculous binkies left, right and centre, and lots of running and fun.).
None of this is helped by the fact I am physically pretty unwell right now (part of the reason I've not been about). My iron levels in my blood are still dropping and are now just above the threshold where they can kill you at any time (I had a blood test last week, which I had to ask for, and when the results came back the doctor decided-without talking to me- 'that if he was doing his job properly he would admit me to hospital but he knows I don't want that', and that was that). I'm so tired, so rundown, and I'm just failing the most important things in my life, I'm failing those who are my world.
I hate myself so much for it. I just want to be a better bunny mum.
I 'got stuck' with a bunny that I knew I could never ever take on, but 'moral blackmail' (as my dad called it), was used against me (in no so many words, but meaning 'if you don't take her I will have her put to sleep') and I've ended up with her.
It's too much. Seriously too, too much.
I know my limits, and this is beyond my limits. She is not in ideal accommodation (but gets out for a big run every day). She is getting all her physical needs met and having a marvellous time (if her binkies are anything to go by), but it doesn't change the fact she is one too many.
Every time I look at her I get so angry at everyone who let her down (which is every single person that has 'cared' for her up until I took her on), I feel sad for her that she has gone through this, and I feel so guilty for not wanting her, and then I just hate myself for not wanting her when none of this is her fault.
Unfortunately it's spreading to my others. They have all their needs met, they are spoilt rotten and very happy if their behaviour is anything to go by (with the exception of Angel, who seriously needs a friend right now), but I just feel I can't cope with them.
I'm shutting off from them, starting to resent them, even sometimes hate them, yet still do everything for them, cuddle and snuggle with those who want it, get them vet attention when they need it, I mean they seriously have my all. I don't want to hate my bunnies because they are the ONLY things in this world that give a damn about me. I know that deep down I love them so, so much and would move the world for any of them (including my newest addition), but at the same time, it's all being blighted by bitterness, guilt and anger.
I just feel like I'm failing them. And I'm seriously overwhelmed.
I have no intention to rehome any of them because any that come here as a permanent, stay here. The only one who may go, if a suitable, experienced owner is found, is my foster 'Baby', but he has upper respiratory issues and looks like he will develop spurs (the ironic thing being when I take him out on the harness is the only time I get any happiness from them at the moment bcause he is just so, so happy and funny on the harness with ridiculous binkies left, right and centre, and lots of running and fun.).
None of this is helped by the fact I am physically pretty unwell right now (part of the reason I've not been about). My iron levels in my blood are still dropping and are now just above the threshold where they can kill you at any time (I had a blood test last week, which I had to ask for, and when the results came back the doctor decided-without talking to me- 'that if he was doing his job properly he would admit me to hospital but he knows I don't want that', and that was that). I'm so tired, so rundown, and I'm just failing the most important things in my life, I'm failing those who are my world.
I hate myself so much for it. I just want to be a better bunny mum.
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