Im terrified i am loosing Jimby... ive lost my baby

Im so worried about a couple of things

Earlier that day i was tidying Jimbys bum area as he had lots of clupms of dried poo so i was cutting them out, i accidentally caught his willy shaft and made him bleed, he jumped. Will he remember that?

I was in their house just cuddling Jims and i knew he was going i could see ut in his eyes i just didnt know it was goimg to be like 10 mins later, i was uncomfortable so i got dan to take Jims wgilst i climed out their house and sat on the sofa, now the second hdan put him on to me he started his gasping, so i am worried that he may not have realised i was holding him again as he was in his last moments, i hate to think he thought he was alone or just being 'held' by dan and not cuddled by me.

Plus when he was going i was trying to be calm for him so i just held him and stroked him saying mummys here, what if he thought i was being uncaring because i was being calm.
Also i didnt keep looking at him or kissing him at that time either i just stared forward to try and keep my composure, did i come across unloving?

Oh I missed this. I'm so sorry Rachel.

I am sure that Jims knew you were there honestly. Don't worry about that. Being calm will have helped him.

He wouldn’t remember you catching his skin, I’m sure. And he will have known you were there with him and just how much he was loved. Being brave and calm will have really helped him

Hugs xx

rachylou said:

Im so worried about a couple of things

Earlier that day i was tidying Jimbys bum area as he had lots of clupms of dried poo so i was cutting them out, i accidentally caught his willy shaft and made him bleed, he jumped. Will he remember that?

I was in their house just cuddling Jims and i knew he was going i could see ut in his eyes i just didnt know it was goimg to be like 10 mins later, i was uncomfortable so i got dan to take Jims wgilst i climed out their house and sat on the sofa, now the second hdan put him on to me he started his gasping, so i am worried that he may not have realised i was holding him again as he was in his last moments, i hate to think he thought he was alone or just being 'held' by dan and not cuddled by me.

Plus when he was going i was trying to be calm for him so i just held him and stroked him saying mummys here, what if he thought i was being uncaring because i was being calm.
Also i didnt keep looking at him or kissing him at that time either i just stared forward to try and keep my composure, did i come across unloving?

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Jimby would have felt your love as you were calm and brave for him.
Animals don't mistake that for indifference. They know and it means the world to them.

It's not what you show on the surface that matters, Rach, it's what's in your heart

I need some advise.
I dont understand my grieving, i thought i would be inconsolable at every second and questioning how to move on but i am doing ok.
I still cry pretty much every day but i feel like it doesnt hurt as much as i thought it would and i dont feel as empty as i thought i would, i feel so guilty for feeling this way like how much pain you feel is indicative of what that baby meant to you. Jims was my baby, my sole mate and i miss him so much and just want him back but i am still surviving, i am trying to comfort myself and tell myself that Jims is still with me and thats why im feeling like i am and that i started my grieving when i found out he was sick but i feel like i am betraying him for not wanting to die and join him?

It is a really good thing that you are doing ok, Jims wouldn’t want you to be inconsolable. He’s with you in spirit, in your heart and he will never leave you I think the fact you are doing well is a sign that you are stronger than you were before and thought you would be. You aren’t betraying him at all, please don’t feel guilty. You should be proud of yourself for handling everything so well xx

rachylou said:

I need some advise.
I dont understand my grieving, i thought i would be inconsolable at every second and questioning how to move on but i am doing ok.
I still cry pretty much every day but i feel like it doesnt hurt as much as i thought it would and i dont feel as empty as i thought i would, i feel so guilty for feeling this way like how much pain you feel is indicative of what that baby meant to you. Jims was my baby, my sole mate and i miss him so much and just want him back but i am still surviving, i am trying to comfort myself and tell myself that Jims is still with me and thats why im feeling like i am and that i started my grieving when i found out he was sick but i feel like i am betraying him for not wanting to die and join him?

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I think its best not to understand grieving. its one of those things is better not to make sense of.

I, for one, shove it in a box and try to forget about it. its not healthy however and its probably not the best way of coping with grief.

you're not betraying him at all.

it hurts, but the thing is is that life goes on. because somebody elses life stops, doesn't mean yours has too either or should. it hurts, and its horrible, but you have to continue on. I think if you were so distraught over somebody dying that you wanted to die to join them, I would urge you to seek help in the form of bereavement counselling. using shouldn't when it comes to be grieving is a tricky path because there is no right nor wrong way to grieve. however if you wanted to die to join them it would be a cause for concern and more extreme in a sense. you shouldn't be wanting to die because somebody else has, be it a pet or another human.

I think, the best is to not over think it. don't try to make sense of it. don't try to control it. don't read up on grief and how to deal with it, don't google it. just let it take its course naturally. however if at any point you find yourself thinking suicide or self harm due to his death, its time to seek help.

grief is a funny thing and its different for all people. some people show no signs of upset at all. others have breakdowns in supermarkets. others try to shove it away. others are okay seemingly quickly, others are still distraught 3 years later. none of us are the same.

it lessens with time, and that's the only real thing that is true for everybody. just the time frame is different for everybody.

I'm sorry you lost your soul bunny.

Grief affects different people in different ways. I also find that even different circumstances and losses affect me differently. No passage of grief is the same. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. Don't judge your grief by the "lack" of pain you are feeling. Don't feel guilty for it either; even that is a sign you are indeed grieving. In fact, sometimes it is easier to adjust to the idea of a loss prior to death if that is the path an illness is following. Erasmus's death didn't "hit" me as hard as expected because the fact he was visibly getting more ill meant I had times to come to terms with it and just "be" when it happened. It doesn't mean his loss didn't hurt, it just meant that I had been better prepared. Meanwhile, I still frequently well up over the loss of my darling Elphie, who I loss shortly before Erasmus. But I love them both dearly and miss them both. It's just with Erasmus, I've sort of already been able to remember the good whereas with Elphie I'm not there yet.

Jims is with you in spirit. He'll always be with you, and within your memories. He'd be proud of each step you take past losing him. And however you grieve, it is right for you. Even if you grieve differently in the future, it is still right.

I have had a really emotional day today, i sat in pets at home car park and just cried, i couldnt even go in the store, i just drove home in tears, i found myself saying 'he really died, my baby died'
And i just had a total meltdown at home literally sobbing and Jack came and gave me a cuddle.
The pain is bad today, why did i think it should hurt more, its awful today.

I'm so sorry that you have lost Jims. Grief affects us all differently, just be kind to yourself, and I hope you find some comfort after the tears. Sending you a big hug. R.I.P. Jims xxxx

It is normal for grief to come and go like that, I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day hugs xx

God I miss Jims so much its awful. I just keep thinking of things I could have done differently .
I feel so selfish cause I would always say to him 'baby i need you forever, please never leave me' I put so much pressure on him and I worry that when he did need to go he may have worried about letting me down, even though that night i said to him 'it's ok if you need to let go, somehow I will be ok'
I just keep picturing him on my chest lifeless and then in their house him lying there with his tongue out and then at the crem when i was holding him and I kissed him but kissed his eye accidentally. I just miss him, I miss him so much, I need my baby back.

Massive hugs Rachylou. You did Jimby proud & he led a very long & happy life because of you. I think he will have sensed you were ready (in a selfless way) to let him go just as when he was alive he will have sensed your love for him & that you would love him forever xx

Thankyou joey&boo, that bought tears to my eyes but in a nice way, I just love and miss him with all my heart!!