Then, watching your breathing deteriorate Dusk, and seeing how much that started to cripple you. I had to choose my course of treatment for you, based on Candyfloss’s reactions and the likelihood she would divorce you. So, I couldn’t give you meds that required handling, I couldn’t separate to nebulise. So, the options were limited.
You started the steroids and you just dropped weight, losing a huge amount, and, despite all the feeding, not regaining any.
I knew, given how hard you guys were to bond, given the potential age of Candyfloss, given the other bunnies here, that when you died, my options for her would be limited. I had it put on her records that when you were PTS, she would be too. That was more of a safeguard though, against the vets who don’t know me, because, to be honest, I adjusted the setups so she could move and be surrounded by other bunnies, even if she couldn’t be bonded to them.
A couple of weeks ago, you turned 8, Dusk, and so you guys had a lovely time out in the garden, and it was a wonderful opportunity to see that, despite the fact both of you were aging, you still had the attitudes of a young bunny, running, and binkying, and being free. What a privilege for me to witness one last time.
Then life threw a curve ball, and you, my healthy as an ox, big, fat bunny started to show major problems with your breathing on Thursday. I took you to the vets Candyfloss, as you no doubt remember, because BOY were you cross, and he examined you and said ‘yes, there is something wrong’ but he didn’t know what. Maybe it wasn’t detectable, maybe it was his lack of experience, but either way, we didn’t know. What made me laugh though, was, after he’d examined you, and with Dusk sitting in the base of the carry case, you grabbed the edge of the carry case with your teeth and lifted it up and tried to throw it. Made me laugh, but poor old Dusk.
You came home, I tried everything I could for you. Then decided you needed to go back on Saturday. Thankfully, one of our favoured vets was in and when she checked you, she could hear horrendous noises going on inside and everything pointed to some kind of mass, lump, or something, on the right hand side, affecting your right hand lung. Given that there had been no signs two days previously, and huge signs then, we briefly discussed options, but because my greatest fear was you going into respiratory failure, and suffering, and that was getting increasingly likely, I had to let you go.
You fought for a long time, and the words you probably heard from me, as you parted were ‘she always was a complete ****’, which is true! You were. You slipped away very slowly, and you didn’t fight, but you weren’t going easy.
Then came Dusk. What to do with you, Dusk! You were a completely different nature from her. You could have been rebonded. However, you were end stage with your respiratory issues. You were a bad of bones. I didn’t know what to do. I had to consider whether or not it was kindest to let you go, even though, by doing that, I felt that I was failing you, or getting rid of you because you weren’t wanted. I asked the vet to check you over and you had lost a third of your body weight. She said your liver was huge, and that your lungs sounded grim. We discussed it and her feeling was that any tiny knock would kill you; that you had no reserves left. We talked a lot (meaning my appointment was 45 mins, instead of 15 and I made the whole of the waiting room run late) and the vet felt it was kindest to let you go, and I had to agree.
You were unhappy about this and yes, it was before your time, but, what could I have done? Had you home alone and then see you lose your life because you were sad? And so the last days of your life were filled with sadness and loneliness? Nope. That does trip my loneliness stuff out, but I did it because of you, not because I’m scared to die sad and alone, although that probably played a part. You weren’t happy to go, but you did, and quickly.
You were laid, together, snuggled together, in your carry case. You’ve now been cremated together, and will be in the same pouch together; together forever. You come home on Thursday.
Guys, you’ve broken my heart. I feel incredibly, incredibly guilty because I feel like I ‘got rid’ of you Dusk because I can’t cope with any many bunnies. Please, please believe me when I say I did what I thought was best for you. I truly did. You guys made me laugh every day, you greeted me, you snatched your food, you dug my arms, you jumped on my back. You have left a huge, gaping hole, and no way would I have created that unless I absolutely had to. I made the best decision I felt I could.
This grief is similar to when I killed Badger, to when Sandy died unexpectedly, to when Sky was gone. I have never, ever had to make a harder decision than I did yesterday. I let you both go slightly earlier than you were ready- yes, you would have been ready, or have gone, within the near future, but I always tried to wait until bunnies told me, and, this time, I had to tell you guys. Please know, I did it from love.
I keep going to check your area because I’m scared you’re still there and I’m neglecting you by not feeding, watering, medicating you. You’re never there, and your space, which was so alive, looks dead.
My heart breaks for you both.
However, I hope you are both peaceful and are together, somewhere. I hope you also know it was the right thing.
Much love to you both.
Tx
safely together watch over your mum please she loves you dearly x
