Now the nights are drawing in, Storm and Mallow are spending more time indoors watching tv. Inspired by Sunday evenings Antiques Roadshow, they decided the time is right for them to hop along and share some of their prized possessions with Fiona Buns of the Antiques Roadshow and her team.
Firstly, they visited the resident expert on antique tables and proudly showed him their table.
Storm: We has had dis treasured table in our home for many years, since before I was a young bun. Both me and Mallow luvs it very much. Not only dos it luks good, tis very tasty too.
Tables expert: This is a rare example of a satin wood tea table, popular in the early 1800s, and used by families of distinction in all the best homes in the country. Ones in good condition go for thousands of pounds.
Storm (feeling greatly encouraged): This is worth lots & lots den?
Mallow (trying, but failing, to look uninterested): 'Course, we is not interested in the value, we only brought it along to give you a treat. Now, what's it worth cos I want to buy lots of carrots with the money we get for it?
Tables expert: Sadly, with the condition this one is in, with extensive nibblings you two have done, you'd be lucky to get the local tip to take it. I suggest you use it for firewood.
Storm and Mallow, disappointed with this so-called 'expert's' failure to fully appreciate the beauty, value and flavour of their table, they hop off to the next stall which is the soft furnishings expert.
Mallow: We would like to gis you dis hopportunity to appreciate are beautiful antiquey sofa.
Storm: Tis over 10 year old and has soft, absorbent cushions.
Soft furnishings expert: This is a classic sofa designed by the renowned company Wesley Barrell that has made furniture for the great and the good for over 100 years.
Mallow: This is worth lots & lots den?
Storm (trying, but failing to look like he doesn't care): So how much curly kale will we be getting when we flogs da sofa?
Soft furnishing expert: Unfortunately, with the condition this one is in, with the extensive nibblings you two have done and the strange smell of the cushions, I don't think Stig of the Dump would even want it. Please take it away before I faint.
Unimpressed by the clearly ignorant person's failure to provide a proper valuation of their sofa (probably because he was holding his nose at the time), Mallow and Storm decide to try their luck with the expert on fabrics and curtains.
Storm: We has here da beautiful, lacey curtains dat has been in our family years and years.
Mallow: Yes, we has had dees since 2010, although dey luks much older den dat. We has both helped with making dem luk older.
Curtains expert: Yes, these are fine and delicate curtains, perfectly proportioned to allow soft light into the room whilst cutting out the harsh glare of the Summer sun.
Storm: (eagerly leaning towards the expert): So dey is worth lots of money den?
Mallow: We is not interested in da financial value cos we appreciates da finer things in life. But we needs da value cos we may possibly want to has lots of carrots instead.
Curtains expert: In excellent condition, you may have got a fiver for them, but in the state they are in now, with your nibblings and sprayed wee, the only people interested in them will be the Environmental Health officers. Please remove them.
Storm and Mallow can hardly contain their disgust that these Antiques Roadshow 'experts' know so little about what is really valuable. The flavour of a table, the absorbency of the sofa cushions and the extra light effect created by adding holes in the curtains. They have decided BBC1 is clearly not the tv channel for buns with discerning tastes and they will be watching ITV from now on instead. In fact they already have some interesting ideas on a new script for Downton Abbey that will correct some of the lagomorphically challenged elements of this popular series. More to follow at a later date.
Firstly, they visited the resident expert on antique tables and proudly showed him their table.
Storm: We has had dis treasured table in our home for many years, since before I was a young bun. Both me and Mallow luvs it very much. Not only dos it luks good, tis very tasty too.
Tables expert: This is a rare example of a satin wood tea table, popular in the early 1800s, and used by families of distinction in all the best homes in the country. Ones in good condition go for thousands of pounds.
Storm (feeling greatly encouraged): This is worth lots & lots den?
Mallow (trying, but failing, to look uninterested): 'Course, we is not interested in the value, we only brought it along to give you a treat. Now, what's it worth cos I want to buy lots of carrots with the money we get for it?
Tables expert: Sadly, with the condition this one is in, with extensive nibblings you two have done, you'd be lucky to get the local tip to take it. I suggest you use it for firewood.
Storm and Mallow, disappointed with this so-called 'expert's' failure to fully appreciate the beauty, value and flavour of their table, they hop off to the next stall which is the soft furnishings expert.
Mallow: We would like to gis you dis hopportunity to appreciate are beautiful antiquey sofa.
Storm: Tis over 10 year old and has soft, absorbent cushions.
Soft furnishings expert: This is a classic sofa designed by the renowned company Wesley Barrell that has made furniture for the great and the good for over 100 years.
Mallow: This is worth lots & lots den?
Storm (trying, but failing to look like he doesn't care): So how much curly kale will we be getting when we flogs da sofa?
Soft furnishing expert: Unfortunately, with the condition this one is in, with the extensive nibblings you two have done and the strange smell of the cushions, I don't think Stig of the Dump would even want it. Please take it away before I faint.
Unimpressed by the clearly ignorant person's failure to provide a proper valuation of their sofa (probably because he was holding his nose at the time), Mallow and Storm decide to try their luck with the expert on fabrics and curtains.
Storm: We has here da beautiful, lacey curtains dat has been in our family years and years.
Mallow: Yes, we has had dees since 2010, although dey luks much older den dat. We has both helped with making dem luk older.
Curtains expert: Yes, these are fine and delicate curtains, perfectly proportioned to allow soft light into the room whilst cutting out the harsh glare of the Summer sun.
Storm: (eagerly leaning towards the expert): So dey is worth lots of money den?
Mallow: We is not interested in da financial value cos we appreciates da finer things in life. But we needs da value cos we may possibly want to has lots of carrots instead.
Curtains expert: In excellent condition, you may have got a fiver for them, but in the state they are in now, with your nibblings and sprayed wee, the only people interested in them will be the Environmental Health officers. Please remove them.
Storm and Mallow can hardly contain their disgust that these Antiques Roadshow 'experts' know so little about what is really valuable. The flavour of a table, the absorbency of the sofa cushions and the extra light effect created by adding holes in the curtains. They have decided BBC1 is clearly not the tv channel for buns with discerning tastes and they will be watching ITV from now on instead. In fact they already have some interesting ideas on a new script for Downton Abbey that will correct some of the lagomorphically challenged elements of this popular series. More to follow at a later date.
