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Dutch Dwarf - Mr Cookie

Mr Cookie

Banned
I am sorry for posting more than the average Joe.

Well it's been a busy weekend. Police detained me on Sunday. I am not going to discuss my health here or what I may or may not be doing that isn't right or healthy. I am devastated. My house is so empty without him. I keep looking over to where he liked to sit, and I keep calling for him, convincing myself that somehow he will miraculously appear.

I would like to post some pictures here, but at the moment it is too painful to look at the few pictures I took. I have never been a big taker of pictures but I have a few.

I feel like an idiot. I spend far too much time on the net, reading this and that.. but why didn't I read more about teeth problems when I was told 2 years ago by a vet that it was a 50/50 chance of dying from GA? Why did I not replenish his water for a few days before his passing, the water had sat there for about 7 days.. I know I did change it very frequently most of the time, but last week I somehow forgot to for 7 days.. why did I not phone an emergency vet, I didn't even know I could have got a vet to him late Thursday night/Friday morning when I noticed he wasn't right? Why did I let him beg little pieces of bread crust.. why did I not act straight away and phone the vets number to see if there was such a thing as an emergency call out? Why did I not know you can get a vet late at night? Why did I not know these basics?

I cannot even begin to explain how empty or alone I feel. He was my best friend and every day I kissed him, and told him how much I loved him, and every day he licked/kissed my hand.. he had full run of the house whenever I was home.. which nowadays is most of the time. This house does not feel the same. He was tiny but he filled this house and he was always there when I cam home.. his little footsteps.. running to the kitchen for food.. then back to the front room.. most nights, since about 2 years ago, he slept with me, either under my bed, or at the end of the sofa if I felt like sleeping there...

The pain and guilt I am feeling is impossible to describe.

Yeah yeah pull yourself together Gary, but I can't. I am used to seeing him in his box, in his cage, in the middle room, on the arm of my settee.. on the windowsill looking outside.. under my bed..

His molt had gone on for weeks.. I was brushing him as much as I could but it just kept coming and coming, and in recent weeks I noticed he was less active...

I failed him because I am stupid. I never tranced him when he was alive, he wouldn't let me.. but I tranced him many times as I tried to massage his belly.. maybe if I hadn't fussed so much, kneeding him, massaging him, picking him up, syringe feeding, maybe he would have got better... his belly was so tight.

Why was he so stiff when he died but then so floppy after a few hours? I buried him in his box he liked to sit in that used to sit on top of his cage.. I put him in with an old Ralph Lauren woollen jumper he liked to sit on, lots of fresh hay, dandelions, and some flowers from the garden, and a note telling him how I loved him and how sorry I was if I did anything wrong.

When I read that dutch dwarfs can live for 10, 11, 12 years I feel even worse that my baby passed aged 8. I loved him, but I killed him or hastened his passing. I am to blame. I am stupid.
 
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I need to ask one more question. I understand that females live longer if they are spayed, because the threat of uterine cancer is very high. Now my little boy was not neutered. The reason I decided not to neuter is because he had never demonstrated any issues by being 'intact'. So I felt it was better and more natural to leave him be.. do neutered males have shorter life spans?

When I was nursing him from midnight to about 6am in the morning on Thursday/Friday, I thought he was a little better.. I drifted off for two hours with him a few inches away, and when I woke at about 8am I carried on tending him, probably harassing him, massaging him, cuddling him, syringe feeding.. and at 10:30 I finally realised (because of my stupidity) that he was deteriorating not getting better.. what an idiot I am. Then I rushed to the vets with him. 12 hours of illness before I sought professional help. What a rotten owner I was.

Even if I had got him to a vet earlier, is it still possible I would have lost him? Is 8 a good run?

I loved him so much.
 
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I am so very sorry you're hurting so much still.

Mr Cookie sounds like such a lovely boy - and when you feel ready, we would all love to see photos of him.

I know it is so hard - but you really must stop trying to think of the things that 'could have done'. You did what you thought was right at the time - and that is all a person can ask. You cannot blame yourself for the things you 'didn't know'.

I do understand your pain and how you feel you killed him. I felt that for a long time after we lost baby Luna last year...I thought at first she was in stasis because I gave her too many excel pellets on her first night with us, then I blamed myself because I couldn't syringe feed her the critical care the vet gave me to give her, I blamed myself for not leaving her at the vets where they could look after her better than me. But as time has gone by I remembered how we did everything we could for her and I spent her last night with her - awake ALL night just holding her and stroking her and getting water into her - she was never alone. It turns out she had a massive infection and because of her age (8 weeks) there wasn't much we could have done anyway - but she was loved SO much for the 4 short days we had her.

8 years is good! Many rabbits don't make it that age - so you were doing SO much right. You cannot beat yourself up for making a little rabbit happy! That is just plain daft.

When you read some of the stories of buns that are so neglected - you should feel proud of yourself that you gave your boy such a great life.

I really hope that in time your pain decreases - and I think there is some other bun out there, who will benefit from having a home with you in time. You sound to me like a person who really cares about their animals - and you shouldn't let that go to waste.

Big hugs to you - and keep posting if it helps. Most of us on here have lost animals/buns = we know how it feels.
 
I need to ask one more question. I understand that females live longer if they are spayed, because the threat of uterine cancer is very high. Now my little boy was not neutered. The reason I decided not to neuter is because he had never demonstrated any issues by being 'intact'. So I felt it was better and more natural to leave him be.. do neutered males have shorter life spans?

When I was nursing him from midnight to about 6am in the morning on Thursday/Friday, I thought he was a little better.. I drifted off for two hours with him a few inches away, and when I woke at about 8am I carried on tending him, probably harassing him, massaging him, cuddling him, syringe feeding.. and at 10:30 I finally realised (because of my stupidity) that he was deteriorating not getting better.. what an idiot I am. Then I rushed to the vets with him. 12 hours of illness before I sought professional help. What a rotten owner I was.

Even if I had got him to a vet earlier, is it still possible I would have lost him? Is 8 a good run?

I loved him so much.

It is quite possible that whatever you had done the outcome would have been the same. I lost Little Dot to a blockage 3 years ago. I got her to the vets within about 4 hours of her first having symptoms, she had surgery fort the blockage but sadly died straight after the surgery. She was only about 9 months old.

The what ifs and self-blame you describe is exactly what I went through when I lost Scrabble on 17.4.08. I didn't have her spayed (vets didn't give a very good account of GA, so I didn't want to risk it). I don't feel anybody at the vets really cared that she had died, why she had died etc. The vet trying to find out what was wrong with her even kept calling her "him", which got me very angry as I'd always worried about uterine cancer, her not being spayed and heading towards 4 years old, so felt he would miss this diagnosis if he thought he was treating a male. I was so upset that day and felt totally out of control.

Eight is a wonderful age. You will hear people say 'average' when they mean best possible lifespan. I doubt a high percentage, even well looked after, reach an age much higher than that. I have 'lost' 6 rabbits so far, before losing Artie last year aged 8 years 9 months, the average of the others was 2.5 years :cry: The first two I take a lot of blame for, Bungee at 4 years, Scrabble at 3 years 9 months. The others died at 9 months, 9 months, 2.5 years. I know I got it right with the 3 youngest but they still died so incredibly young :cry::cry:

I got the same things wrong as you did with Scrabble - it was too long between the start of her illness and her seeing a vet (17 hours), they couldn't do blood test on her either because her blood pressure was so low. Looking back, 6 years later, I doubt they could have saved her that day. I needed to realise something was wrong weeks earlier.

It is hard but you gave that bunny 8 wonderful years, not many rabbits have that. It's too early yet but the best use you can make of this experience is to take another bunny into your heart and make it your mission to give him/her the best life possible. If you get a rescue bunny you will feel it's a tribute to Cookie, not a replacement. It worked for me, anyway. I adopted Rudy only 6 weeks after losing Scrabble. I was still very much grieving, it took a good year to two to accept what had happened. I've never really forgiven myself but I just now channel my energies into making sure I do the uptmost for all the bunnies in my care now.

Don't worry about keeping posting about your grief - most of us have been there.
 
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I think that a lot of the things you are beating yourself up over wouldn't have made a difference.

Neutering males doesn't have such big health benefits as females. As males reproductive organs are on the outside you can spot problems and treat them. It's certainly not going to have contributed to your rabbits passing.

Likewise, although fresh water is important, I doubt that or small pieces of bread played a big part. What you describe is a very common problem in rabbits and plenty of people here have experienced it. It can come out of the blue and with no distinguishable cause. Even if you'd taken him straight to the vet recovery wasn't a certainty - it might not have made a difference.

Although rabbits can occasionally make it to 11/12, that's the equivalent of humans making it over 100 - it's the exception rather than normal. Eight is a very good age for a rabbit so you must have done something right a long the way. The life expectancy of a rabbit is 7-10 years, but the average age is much lower as many get poor care. If you translated it to human age, he would have been in his 80's.

Why was he so stiff when he died but then so floppy after a few hours?

That's normal when a rabbit dies.

It's normal to feel sad when you lose a friend, and I think most of us here know that a rabbit can be a part of the family.
 
I don't know what I am feeling right now. I haven't been able to eat since Thursday and so have eaten nothing at all since then. I spent 2 hours in a pet shop today just watching the rabbits. It made me feel better to be with bunnies. I just couldn't stop watching them. There was a young and very energetic lionhead, and a rex.. and a charity rabbit called Merlin.

It is too early to be thinking of another? My boy couldn't possibly be replaced. I know people here advise against pet shop rabbits, however, Merlin is a 2 year old rabbit, and whilst he is in a pet shop, he is a charity rabbit, to be rehoused on behalf of a charity that the shop supported. He had no price, just a contribution to a rehousing charity. He was given up by a family who bought him for their children, housed him in a hutch, and the children and family generally lost interest in him (why do people think rabbits make good pets for children?). Because of his age he has little showroom appeal and despite me stinking of several gin and tonics and cigarettes (my diet since Thursday), when I explained what I have just been through, the shop allowed me to play with him for ages... he took to me straight away. He's some sort of cross, definitely a little bit of lionhead because he has some tufts around his head, a bit bigger than my dutch though.. But it felt wrong, because cookie was my child. How can you replace a person? How can you replace a character, a perpetual baby? I still don't see how I can get over this. I want cookie back.

I want to thank the people who PM'd me and even the person who called the police.
 
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Of course you can't replace him, and if you're thinking about another bunny you need to remember that the new rabbit is probably not going to have the same habits that you loved about Mr Cookie.

But, whilst you can't replace someone, you can love more than one child at a time. So having a new friend doesn't mean you have to forget or replace your old one :) A new rabbit may have lots of new habits to love.

I think you also need to think about yourself though, if you do want to care for a new rabbit you're going to need to be in good shape to do that so a little bit of a reform on your current diet would be a good place to start :)

Have you thought about doing some volunteer work with an animal rescue/charity? You sound very caring and they are often on the look out for people to socialise with the animals.
 
Of course you can't replace him, and if you're thinking about another bunny you need to remember that the new rabbit is probably not going to have the same habits that you loved about Mr Cookie.

But, whilst you can't replace someone, you can love more than one child at a time. So having a new friend doesn't mean you have to forget or replace your old one :) A new rabbit may have lots of new habits to love.

I think you also need to think about yourself though, if you do want to care for a new rabbit you're going to need to be in good shape to do that so a little bit of a reform on your current diet would be a good place to start :)

Have you thought about doing some volunteer work with an animal rescue/charity? You sound very caring and they are often on the look out for people to socialise with the animals.
This is a lovely post.

As Tamsin said you could help out at a rescue or if you dont feel ready to adopt you could maybe foster a bun that needs socialising or has been overlooked
 
This is a lovely post.

As Tamsin said you could help out at a rescue or if you dont feel ready to adopt you could maybe foster a bun that needs socialising or has been overlooked

I was going to say exactly the same, Weeble. This is a very lovely post. So kind and caring x
 
As I lay here in my bed.. unwilling unmotivated to do anything.. being pathetic and weak.. many of you have suffered loss like me but most of you havent then subsequently lost the plot like me...

I have found your words and patience comforting. This link is also helping a little:

http://www.pet-loss.net/emotions.shtml

A lot of us on here have suffered losses :cry: and it hits all of us in different ways. You are not being pathetic and weak, obviously you loved your friend dearly. I'm sure that Mr Cookie knew just how much you loved and cared for him. Remember, you can only do your best with the knowledge you had at the time, so please don't beat yourself up over things. I hope you are looking after yourself and eating now?
 
Hello, I'm so sorry to hear of what you're going through right so I thought I'd share a bit of my story with you.

My rabbit Sumpy died in November after developing head tilt. I caught it before it even became tilt as he had peed outside his litter box so I whipped him straight off to the animal hospital and then nursed him for a week; staying up with him all night every night and trying to tempt him with herbs and vegetables and tiny drops of water. I took him to the vets every evening and got conflicting advice every time I went and it was so frustrating I just didn't know what to do for the best and all the online research just confused me so much! Just when I thought we were turning a corner and his appetite improved a vet told me he had to be put to sleep. After I felt so guilty, I looked up online and saw all the cases where bunnies had survived and I thought I hadn't given him enough of a chance and that I should have stood up to the vet. I was a complete wreck and vowed I would never have another rabbit again. It was just too painful.

But then a work colleague told me to look at it differently. She reminded me I had so much love to give and even if the relationship was just for a short while to think of those good times and the difference my love and care made to a tiny life and the joy he brought me in return. The veterinary nurse spurred me on too; she told me they rarely saw owners willing to give so much care themselves to their small animal's recovery.

Needless to say I also found myself mooching around the pet shop all day that Sunday. So within two weeks I got myself together and went to the local sanctuary just for a wee look; I left with two bonded rabbits booked! Both had a rough start in life, Caireann was terrified, skittish and a total recluse. Cory was a stray who had been found covered in abscesses, completely tattered ears and an eaten off nose.

I did feel a bit bad but my friend was right; I just had too much love and care to give! Neither Cory or Caireann or Bobert (who came later) are anything like Sumpy; he was one in a million. But these three bunnies are ones in a million too in their own special unique ways! They've brought me such joy and I think of the start in life that they all had and I know I give them a happy life. I may not always get it right. And I may dilly dally because I'm confused about the best thing to do. But I always do the best I can for them and make the most loving decisions I can at the time with the information I have at that time; just like you did. It's not fair to judge yourself after for what you didn't know. Please be more gentle and kind to yourself!
 
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Hello, I'm so sorry to hear of what you're going through right so I thought I'd share a bit of my story with you.

My rabbit Sumpy died in November after developing head tilt. I caught it before it even became tilt as he had peed outside his litter box so I whipped him straight off to the animal hospital and then nursed him for a week; staying up with him all night every night and trying to tempt him with herbs and vegetables and tiny drops of water. I took him to the vets every evening and got conflicting advice every time I went and it was so frustrating I just didn't know what to do for the best and all the online research just confused me so much! Just when I thought we were turning a corner and his appetite improved a vet told me he had to be put to sleep. After I felt so guilty, I looked up online and saw all the cases where bunnies had survived and I thought I hadn't given him enough of a chance and that I should have stood up to the vet. I was a complete wreck and vowed I would never have another rabbit again. It was just too painful.

But then a work colleague told me to look at it differently. She reminded me I had so much love to give and even if the relationship was just for a short while to think of those good times and the difference my love and care made to a tiny life and the joy he brought me in return. The veterinary nurse spurred me on too; she told me they rarely saw owners willing to give so much care themselves to their small animal's recovery.

Needless to say I also found myself mooching around the pet shop all day that Sunday. So within two weeks I got myself together and went to the local sanctuary just for a wee look; I left with two bonded rabbits booked! Both had a rough start in life, Caireann was terrified, skittish and a total recluse. Cory was a stray who had been found covered in abscesses, completely tattered ears and an eaten off nose.

I did feel a bit bad but my friend was right; I just had too much love and care to give! Neither Cory or Caireann or Bobert (who came later) are anything like Sumpy; he was one in a million. But these three bunnies are ones in a million too in their own special unique ways! They've brought me such joy and I think of the start in life that they all had and I know I give them a happy life. I may not always get it right. And I may dilly dally because I'm confused about the best thing to do. But I always do the best I can for them and make the most loving decisions I can at the time with the information I have at that time; just like you did. It's my fair to judge yourself after for what you didn't know. Please be more gentle and kind to yourself!

Very true words and written so very well:thumb:
 
As I lay here in my bed.. unwilling unmotivated to do anything.. being pathetic and weak.. many of you have suffered loss like me but most of you havent then subsequently lost the plot like me...

I have found your words and patience comforting. This link is also helping a little:

http://www.pet-loss.net/emotions.shtml

Just because we don't say anything on here - doesn't mean we don't 'lose the plot'. Luna's death sent me spiralling down into depression - but I couldn't show it because of the job I'm in and also because I just don't get depressed - my family and friends rely on me being the one that is always upbeat and sensible about things...blah!

It came to a head last December - 4 months after we lost Luna - I won't go into details, but it was messy, and I put myself into extreme danger. I had to speak out then and sort myself out.

Trust me - there are many of us on here who have 'lost the plot' over lossing a loved animal - some of us just hide away, some of us go off and do something stupid - whatever - the main thing is that we DO understand what you're going through and you are NOT alone!
 
One of the most difficult things is how him laying on the sofa just staring at me is etched into my mind. He would just stare at me for hours... In the last year or so he had slept with me....the sofa is huge and i would often sleep on it with him just a few inches away by my feet..
 
((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Keep talking, we understand and nobody minds.

x
 
I am really sorry for your loss, Mr Cookie sounds like he was a lovely and amazing bunny.

I am sorry you are in so much pain both physically and emotionally.

Earlier this year, I had to have two of my boys put to sleep and it destroyed to have to do that and to see them lying together afterwards. I could not accept it and I missed them terribly. I have lost many rabbits over the years and they way I have grieved has differed. Sometimes I have cried until the point of exhaustion, other times I feel numb and unable to cry. But either way it it takes a long time to recover from the shock.

You need to give yourself time and if crying helps, let the tears come. If there is any coping mechanism you can use or anyone irl you can talk to or lean on for a bit, please do so. Also keep posting on here, we understand and are always here.

One other thing but you will probably not be ready yet, is that after a loss, I have found my other rabbits to help distract me from the grief and allow me to concentrate on them. If you ever felt able to rescue another rabbit, it might help you a great deal as well as the rabbit.
 
I am so sorry to hear that you lost your bunny. Mr Cookie sounds like a one of a kind soul bunny. Sounds like he was a very lucky bunny to have been so loved. If talking about him helps then keep talking. People on here really do understand.
 
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