New to forum, need moral support

hi all, I'm Linette.

I joined because this is a nice active forum and I need moral support.

I've kept rabbits for 40 years, and have dealt with all sorts of situations but life is always throwing something new at us eh?

We currently have a house rabbit, I've had him for over a year, a neutered male and he is awesome! My boyfriend and I love him and he loves us and we are one happy relaxed loving family.

He is SO affectionate that I hated the idea of him being home alone all day when we go for a weekend or I take a job so we decided to adopt another bunny.

As many of you know, bunny bonding is not always a smooth road BUT, I think a huge part of this is that WE haven't bonded with the new rabbit.

We traveled a long distance to the adoption center. We had prearranged to meet 4 females, and when we got there only two of the one's we'd arranged to meet were there, which I felt was a bit disingenuous of them seeing as we had made prior arrangements and this required an overnight stay for us, etc.

The first rabbit he met with, they both liked one another right off, but we tried two more who attacked him immediately. He was very stressed by the trip, then meeting new rabbits, then being twice attacked. They brought the first female back and they had a scuffle, and the woman at the adoption center immediately said that it wouldn't work between them.

I suggested that perhaps the smell of angry females and the fact that he had been twice attacked made them both nervous, but she said "NO".

My rabbit was tired and huddled in a corner by them. She said she wanted to try another female, that we had expressed no interest in. But the rabbit was a large breed (as is ours) and had been in foster care over a year, and she brought her in and put her with my rabbit, who didn't move. The female thumped in his face, he sat there, she groomed his head, he didn't move. The adoption center called it a match.

I should have said no. I truly truly should have. We all wanted female number one, but they refused to let us adopt her. I was worried about the last one and her thumping in the face. I was feeling that he hadn't had a chance to show his opinion since he was exhausted and traumatized, nor were we allowed to interact with the female and get to know her. Indeed, the adoption place wouldn't allow me to pick up any of the rabbits or spend time with them, even though they are going to be a family member for the next 10 years!

So...I decided that the important thing is for them to be friends and for another rabbit to have a forever home, but it's not working out. I don't know how much my own feelings are impacting it, but it's not working out. My boyfriend doesnt' care for the new rabbit. She is very territorial (which is fine but doesn't make for a happy living situation for us as a family), and she is always thumping at me and my rabbit. Not in a scared way, but in a bossy way.

My rabbit seems interested in making friends, but we are put off by the thumping in our faces, and they are not making headway as buddies. I have watched videos, read threads, read articles, etc etc...I do understand this IS a new home and new people for her, but she does not act scared, she acts bossy.

If we don't love her...If I don't feel like I want to have her in my home, or bond with her myself, and don't like her personality...am I awful to return her. We have a contract that we can return her within 30 days with a full refund. The refund isn't even the issue. We just don't care for her personality. I do feel she was rather pushed on us, and they won't consider letting us have the one we all felt most comfortable with.

But I feel guilty, as if I should do what some people have done and put a year into it if that is what it takes, and I feel I might well be willing if I liked the rabbit myself, but i don't even like her.

If she and he were getting on famously, or even showing significant improvement I'd be willing to keep at it, but I don't want the 30 days to go by and we finally decide it is JUST not working.

What also puts me off is that the people at the adoption center wouldn't even let me hold a rabbit that was supposed to become a family member for upwards of 10 years, nor let us have the rabbit we wanted. They wanted us to take this one as we have experience with large rabbits, and they feel they can more easily home the others. I know that adds to my own emotions on the situation, but my emotions are what they are and I think that it would be unwise to deny them or try to push past them.

Hello Linette. :wave:

What an awful experience all round. it doesn't sound like you're very happy at all, I don't know if other members will feel the same way, but it sounds to me like the kindest option for all involved is to return bunny.

I know this is hard, (and will probably make me sound harsh ) but I'm a firm believer that all bunnies have individual personalities, and as like humans there will be bunnies that we simply don't bond with. (Or them with us...)

It also sounds to me, like you were a little pushed against your gut feeling and this isn't the happy, supportive rehoming experience it ought to be.

My one thought is, please, please don't be put off by your experience and rescuing in the future. :wave:

Ps.. Welcome to the forum. :thumb:

Hello and welcome. :wave:


Where are you located ? Maybe one of the rescue on the forum could help. The place you visited didn't sound friendly or helpful at all. Don't be put off, most rescues are not like that.

Thanks all, I really appreciate the quick replies and support.

I am in the states, and the rescue people do seem nice and genuinely interested in the rabbits well being, but it wasn't a very good experience. I do feel like they didn't take US into account, only their rabbit.

I am not at all against adopting a rabbit, even from them IF it's the right rabbit, but I can't see this working out.

But I admit, I feel like a failure. Like I should be able to make us like her, and her like us, etc. But truth is the more comfortable she gets here, the more her personality comes out and the less I care for it.

There is another rescue in that city, and when we return this girl, maybe I will speak with them.

Question, do you think it would be wise to wait awhile before introducing another rabbit to my rabbit.

He doesn't seem tremendously upset by the experience really, but I didn't know if anyone has had this experience and would know if it's better to try sooner, or later. I don't get the feeling that he doesn't want another rabbit in the house.

How long have you had her now? I think it would be a good idea to make a decision before the 30 days are up, but depending on how long you've had her that might mean you've got a little more time to decide.

I agree that not every bun is for everyone but I also think the way you were pushed into taking her and her initial reaction to him is probably effecting your decision. At the intros, she was probably stressed out to - after all at that point he/the pen would smell of the other females and the fighting. Then she's had a long trip and the stress of a new home and a new rabbit. Although she might come across as bossy, and I'm not saying she's not, sometimes nervous bunnies put on a front because acting big and tough scares away the things that scare them - so that's a possibility.

Tell us a bit more about how she behaves and how they interact together?

:wave::wave::wave::thumb:

There are a couple issues that impact this (besides my own emotions)

We DO have 30 days to bring her back, but the rescue is far away and going there necessitates an overnight stay, and so we have to plan on weekends that my boyfriend has off work. He does not want me to make the trip alone.

The more I type the more I can hear people thinking "someone like you has no right to have a rabbit, if you are not wiling to sacrifice everything..." and perhaps they are right. But it IS because we want a rabbit to be a fully loved and participating family member for 10+ years that I feel this way. I don't want to be in a situation where she ends up in a pen separated from the family.

They are not bonding the way other rabbits I have had before did. But it doesn't seem like things are going horrible either. I will say this, other than her first mad grooming of him at the rescue center she has not groomed him since. He grooms her head and ears and she sits there and lets him, then gets up, thumps at us and goes away.

She thumps a lot, and it doesn't come off at all as fear thumping, but as "I'm the boss" thumping.

I really have interacted with hundreds of rabbits in my life.

This morning, when they were in the dating area..always with me RIGHT there, he groomed her, she didn't respond, he got up and hopped off a bit and began to wash his face, she got up, walked past him, thumped in his face and made an aggressive noise.

I put them beside one another, pet both their heads for a bit, they seemed calm and then I let it end on that note. I've not allowed any fights, but they'd shown aggression at each other a few times.

The living set up right now is she has a pen in the living room. There is another pen around it about 8 inches further out, so they can see one another, and "talk" but cannot reach each other. when he gets too close she lashes out at him.

her pen is against a wall, and has a blanket over one end so she doesn't ever feel surrounded by him or that she can't get away to her own quiet safe place. He mostly ignores her, or hangs out a few feet away.

It doesn't sound like bonding would be impossible but if you're not going to be happy even if they hash it out then returning her sooner might be better. We can give you tips on bonding with her and bonding them together but those could both be long term things without guarantees.

To be honest, it sounds like you've already made up your mind and it's just making you feel guilty - I can understand why, it's tough with rescue animals and there is a lot of pressure but at the end of the day, like you say, you're the one that's got to live with her for 10 years so you've got to go with your instincts. You went in with the best of intentions, she's not going to be any worse off than she started and you need to find a rabbit that's right for you and your bunny long term.

I don't think anyone here thinks you shouldn't have rabbits!

I do feel guilty. Incredibly guilty, and like a failure.

I want this very very much to work. For both rabbit's sake, and for our family. I did want to give a rabbit a forever home, or I wouldn't have gone to the expense and bother, and I do want our bunny (and the new one) to have a friend. I totally didn't expect this.

And like you say, I will give a rabbit a loving home, it might be this one or another one. I am not sending her to the guillotine if things don't work out here.

I guess the question is whether it's better or not to keep her her a few months hoping everyone falls in love or to return her now, back to the foster home she is used to.

I guess you can tell I am heartsick over this.

I think it's sad and unfortunate like someone else said but I get the feeling you're a good person and a good rabbit owner and I think you're obviously feeling bad about this which shows you care and everything so I would just say that whatever happens I hope it works out for you

I think that the main problem is that you went against your heart/gut instincts and that you already know that this rabbit isnt the one for you.

As you say she she will be in your family for 10 years or so.

I would return her and talk to the other rescue in the city. That rescue sounded as if they pushed her on to you and that would make me a little warey.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

This is a tough one and I so feel for you - I see two sides to this to give you food for thought-

Someone very wise said to me recently "just because you can doesn't make it right' and yes you can give this girlie bun a home but it has to work for you and her.

That said, I took on an eBay bunny some 18 months ago as a rescue intended as a match for my boy bunny - I was stressed with a house move at the time and wanted the best for the eBay bunny but didn't feel I could give her what she needed - then I made the best decision ever in contacting a local rescue who initially I boarded her with to give me space to re think how to move forward and this definitely took the initial stress away for a wee while.

18 months on and contacting the local rescue was the best decision I ever made - they helped me work through the options and the eBay bunny is where she belongs which is definitely with me lol.

I know the above scenario may not be the one for you but just to say don't rule out reaching out to the original or another rescue to give yourself time to consider options you just may find something that might work.

Good luck which ever route you take.

fillygal said:

I know the above scenario may not be the one for you but just to say don't rule out reaching out to the original or another rescue to give yourself time to consider options you just may find something that might work.

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That might be a good option, the 30 day limit is adding to the pressure so perhaps discuss your worries with them about how she's settling and see if they could extend the 'returns' period.

I think part of the trouble is neither us or you can really predict either way, it's possible it all works out if you keep her and she becomes very close with you or it might not work out. I guess the question is can you risk it?

I am rather shocked they had not adopted her out before. But they admitted they had only brought her to two adoption days in over a year.

She is (as far as I am concerned) the most beautiful color of one of the most elegant breeds. She is a castor standard rex, truly a magnificent beauty, just like a doe deer, black eyelashes and all. And she really does like people. I think they should really have brought her out more, for her own good, socialization etc. I have a photo of her on my profile. She's amazingly beautiful.

I really did (do) want this situation to work. Went in with an open heart, willingness and good intentions.

My question is, if they decided at the rescue center that one scuffle ruled out any hope of future bonding...why is it that they think that things going as they are now should not be taken seriously? I am asking this as a totally honest question. Scuffles are going to happen. In all the literature they gave me that was repeatedly mentioned.

I know there are people here who work with rescues, etc and have rehomed bunnies and done bonding before so that is why I am asking.

I have bonded rabbits before and it's not been like this. Granted, some of them were outdoor situations with big pens, and real ground to dig in etc and I DO think that makes a big difference over doing it in the home. But I never had this sort of reaction in bonding before.

So, people who have done bunny dating etc, what do you look for during those meetings as signs of potential bonding? What are signs that warn you off a certain pair.

I want to know if I missed something and what it was.

From what I've read, if I keep at it long enough, these two will probably eventually make friends, or at least come to a truce.

I've read a lot and watched a lot of videos. Is it a case of hanging in there until they get tired of fighting? Some people have said that it took many months.

I think this doe has been living alone with a person, not around rabbits. Most of the bonding I did was with rabbits that were used to being around other rabbits,even if that meant only in cages beside one another. Perhaps that made a difference?

Tamsin said:

That might be a good option, the 30 day limit is adding to the pressure so perhaps discuss your worries with them about how she's settling and see if they could extend the 'returns' period.

I think part of the trouble is neither us or you can really predict either way, it's possible it all works out if you keep her and she becomes very close with you or it might not work out. I guess the question is can you risk it?

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The 30 day limit is part of the pressure, as well as the distance. Making a trip there requires two days off, a hotel reservation etc etc.

Where I live rabbits are only handled by rescue groups, not by local shelters, so the only way to adopt a rabbit, rather than purchase one is to go to a place several hours away. Which is fine, I am very very glad there are such groups, but the distance and expense involved cannot be ignored. We have already put several hundred dollars into this with two pens, another carrier, travel, adoption fees, and all the feed bins, etc etc.

So we do feel a bit pressured to be able to look into the future because it's not just a case of popping over there on day 30 should things not be working out, it takes planning etc.

So, question to those who have done more in home bondings than I have...what do I look for as signs of a future match? Or can they be at one another's throats for weeks and then one day be best buds?