last night the hysterical crying has come back. i couldn't stop. i know i need to let it happen but i keep pushing it away when i can because i really don't want to deal with it.
i have nightmares everytime i sleep anyway, always have, but now it's even worse when they are matt dying and i'm cradling him and i can't do anything.
Oh gosh, I identify with the nightmares.
It has been 3+ years since I lost my Bridge dog, Shadow. As of this month I have had my most recent nightmare about him passing. It began with him appearing before me running about and so happy to see me, and I him, but looking pitifully thin as he did before he died. But I was so glad he was there and running towards me I began running too, away from him, and calling him to come to me. As I turned around I found to my horror that he was on the ground and taking his last breaths. Right before me he was gone again and I was screaming for someone to help us as I cradled him.
I woke up gasping for breath myself because it was so awful.
It's been three years.... Why can't I stop having these terrible dreams?
Because I love him still. And always will love him. And would give anything to have him back.
Even with all the love around me that I currently enjoy, I miss him so. They just carve out such a huge space in our hearts. How can we bear to let even this last memory go when it is such a sad one?
It is so difficult to fill that empty space with the happier times. But we must try, because then all we do remember is the loss. Something that is only a small moment in comparison to all the living times we had with them. I don't know why we focus on it. It doesn't bear thinking on so much.
Sending you ((((((((((((Massive hugs)))))))))))))))) and comforting vibes. I really hope that the extreme heartache will pass for you soon. xxxx
ETA: Yes, the anger is very normal. It is something we feel towards ourselves sometimes, other times towards the medical professionals that should've been able to bring our animal friends back to health and sometimes, frighteningly, it can be directed towards the animal who passed...i.e. 'why did you leave me?' This too shall pass. (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) xxxx