i'm trying but i can't do this.
i won't leave my pets, i know that, but i am so scared that i will have to go through losing them all. my plan was always to 'go' when bisc, matt, ches and maisie had all gone, but now i have eddie aswell and i can't leave him, and i know i will be the same with any future pets. i need them in my life but it's so hard to lose them.
i am very sensitive to smell and the smell ches had before he got worse was one i can not describe. i looked it up on the net and there was alot about a death smell. some people can smell it and some can't. my sense of smell is very very strong and at the time i remember wondering what it was, and thought maybe he had a uti or gas, but i knew it wasn't the right smell for those. it was very very odd. if this was something to do with his body failing, then i know it happened before other signs showed and before i massaged his tum. i knew he was going to go soon, i knew in my heart. but i never thought that day. i would have stayed if i had known. i hope he knows that.
i also saw him after he had passed. i know i did. i hope this means his spirit had left his body and he was ok. he looked content and peaceful. i saw a white shadow move across the cage aswell, and nothing since. when he came home, i placed him in one corner and after i took him away, maisie stayed in that corner for a long time, and in the days that followed, she slept in her little bed in that spot. a place she had never slept in before. maybe he was there and she knew.
now it's later on, i think the vet knew that ches was not going to make it. the metacam he gave was high, like he thought he would pass at home so made him comfortable.
i can't let go of him, i'm not ready.
i go through phases with it, but lately it's destroying me. i stay strong and 'happy' around the others, so they don't get upset, but inside i am heartbroken.