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struggling so much with grief for my beautiful chesney piggy

biscandmatt1

Wise Old Thumper
i think i must have been trying to block it out because suddenly it's all coming out again. but it's so, so bad. i can't sleep much, i can't stop crying, having panic attacks and when i do fall asleep, o/h said i am sobbing and screaming in my sleep again. :cry:

the pain is unbearable. :cry: i just want him back so much. :cry: i love him so much, i just need him back. :cry: :cry: :cry:

i don't know what to do. :cry:
 
Take some deep breaths. Its not easy at all, I'm sorry he's gone but he will be having loads of fun at the bridge, big hugs :( x
 
I find you just have to ride the storm. It is awful, the pain is crippling and terrifying. There are no 'quick fixes' and platitudes like 'time heals' are of no help because frankly it doesn't.

The only thing to do is try to hang on, to keep a routine of caring for your other Pets, even if it seems that you are doing so on automatic pilot. Some days it can feel as though you are living outside of yourself, watching yourself from some distant vantage point as you go about 'normal' day-to-day tasks.

I wish there was a guaranteed path to recovery, but I dont think there is. We just have to do the best we can to keep going for our other Pets. Even if every cell in our body is screaming of no longer wanting to exist.

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) xx
 
I'm so sorry you lost Chesney, and sorry to hear you feel so sad. I just read your rainbow bridge story and I can tell you had a very special bond. I lost my bun Coco 8 days ago and I'm struggling too.
I think there is an expectation (which may be in our heads) that we should 'get over it' fairly soon and then life is back to normal, and the tears stop and that's that. But it doesn't work like that. Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed about still feeling sad and missing him, let the tears flow when you need to, and then when your ready take a big breath in, and smile as you breath out and feel the warmth of the love that is still in your heart for him and hold that just for a few seconds. I find it helps to envisage a warm orange glow in my heart which gives the warmth.
He was a special piggy and its OK to miss him. X
 
I just want to send some comforting (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))) to you. I'm sorry it isn't any easier. I wish I could take your pain away for you.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. xxxx
 
I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. It is difficult to cope sometimes. When I lost my Poppy 3 and a half weeks ago, it was like losing a member of my family. I still fret now that instead of trying to coax her to eat I should have taken her straight to the vets. I know I drive some people nuts by keeping on about her, but I can't help it. That's why its so good to be able to talk on here with people who know just what we're going through.

Please try to be strong for your other pets who love you and need you but remember we're all here for you when you need us. Love and hugs to you xx
 
I'm so sorry, nothing anyone can say will make it easier.

When I lost my cat of 21 years I was devastated. That was over 20 years ago and Doughnut is the first pet I've had since as the pain was so bad.

I hope you find comfort in that you gave him a good life and he was a special and much loved little piggy.
 
(((((hugs))))) i know exactly how you're feeling, I've been struggling myself lately :cry: i was going to start a thread yesterday but thought people might be sick of me harping on about it :( i just keep snuggling Olly and thinking how much he must miss her too, he has no bun to snuggle at night anymore and it makes me really sad :( and i keep asking myself what if :( i have so many what if's. And i miss Honey's cheeky face and her cute little habits. It doesn't seem to get easier does it? :( xxx
 
I'm really sorry you're feeling so unhappy. Grief is a terrible thing and it can hit you unawares at any time. Just sending you a big hug and hope the sadness passes.
 
thank you all so much. i have wanted to post so many times, but like others, i felt like people would be sick of it. but i feel like other people don't understand. they feel sad for me, and my o/h loved ches aswell so he knows how it is, but it's just hit me so hard. sometimes i can't breathe because it hurts so much. i won't ever leave my other pets but when i am very low it is hard to not want to go and be with ches. :cry: i can't stop re-living it over and over in my head. :cry:

hugs to everyone else who is struggling. xxx
 
Does your vets offer any sort of pet bereavement service?

Mine has a trained person you can speak to about it, for free, even if just over the phone... would anything like that help? The person would completely understand grief over animals. I know sometimes people don't.

Anyway so sorry you're having a bad time. The grief may not get any less but hopefully you'll get better at dealing with it as time goes on. xxxxx
 
If you look at the sticky note in the rainbow bridge section there are some details of RU members who have some counselling experience and have offered to try to help, who better to understand than a fellow member. It was posted a while ago but hopefully these people are still members. I hope you feel able to try. X
 
i think it was my fault. i was so sure he had gas as his tum was so bloated. i massaged it and used a vibration to get the gas moving. i thought he passed some but now i'm not so sure. his gut sounds were normal at the vets. i think i could have ruptured the tumour. :cry::cry::cry:

i let him down so badly. i left him at the vets. he held on all day. what if he was waiting for me, to let him know he could go. and i didn't come. :cry::cry::cry: i didn't think he would go that day. i should have stayed at the vets all day, or waited in the car park. just so i could be there. i wasn't there at the end. :cry:

i read online about how the body shuts down and i tried to syringe feed him even though he didn't want to eat. it said not to force them because then they feel guilt at not being able to. he was shutting down and i made everything worse. :cry:

and his soul might not have left him yet. and he was in a fridge at the vets. and then at home i held him for a while but then we put him in the fridge. :cry: i was distraught and his soul could have been in distress because of me. :cry:

i did everything so wrong. what if i killed him. :cry: oh god, what if it was all my fault. i have let him down so badly. i love him so much and i let him down. :cry::cry::cry:

eta: the day before, i could smell a very strong smell aswell. i don't know what it was, but could it have been a sign his body was failing? or can tumours rupture and leak? does anyone know?
 
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It sounds as though he had acute bloat which can happen so quickly and for a variety of reasons. I doubt very much that anything you did made him worse or caused his death

As hard as it is you must try to stop going over it all again and again. You will just destroy yourself in the process and then what happens to your remaining Pets ?

I will never ever recover from losing Sir Victor. I have had to force myself to not go over and over the events immediately prior to his death. Doing so pushed me to the point of attempted suicide a few months ago. Had I succeeded I would have left 17 (now eighteen) Rabbits and 1 Hamster in need of a carer. I would have definitely let them down.

Now I allow myself a maximum of half an hour a day to think about what happened to Sir Victor. Other than that when I think of him I force myself to think of his life here, his craziness, his naughtiness and not his untimely death. Doing this does not come naturally, I really do have to force my mind not to focus totally on what happened at the end. But maybe if I keep doing so eventually it will become easier to manage.

Self blame is a natural part of grief and loss, but if we get stuck at that point we cant give what all our remaining Pets need from us. We must keep trying, if not for ourselves then for them

(((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) xx
 
It sounds as though he had acute bloat which can happen so quickly and for a variety of reasons. I doubt very much that anything you did made him worse or caused his death

As hard as it is you must try to stop going over it all again and again. You will just destroy yourself in the process and then what happens to your remaining Pets ?

I will never ever recover from losing Sir Victor. I have had to force myself to not go over and over the events immediately prior to his death. Doing so pushed me to the point of attempted suicide a few months ago. Had I succeeded I would have left 17 (now eighteen) Rabbits and 1 Hamster in need of a carer. I would have definitely let them down.

Now I allow myself a maximum of half an hour a day to think about what happened to Sir Victor. Other than that when I think of him I force myself to think of his life here, his craziness, his naughtiness and not his untimely death. Doing this does not come naturally, I really do have to force my mind not to focus totally on what happened at the end. But maybe if I keep doing so eventually it will become easier to manage.

Self blame is a natural part of grief and loss, but if we get stuck at that point we cant give what all our remaining Pets need from us. We must keep trying, if not for ourselves then for them

(((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) xx

i'm trying but i can't do this. :cry: i won't leave my pets, i know that, but i am so scared that i will have to go through losing them all. my plan was always to 'go' when bisc, matt, ches and maisie had all gone, but now i have eddie aswell and i can't leave him, and i know i will be the same with any future pets. i need them in my life but it's so hard to lose them. :cry:

i am very sensitive to smell and the smell ches had before he got worse was one i can not describe. i looked it up on the net and there was alot about a death smell. some people can smell it and some can't. my sense of smell is very very strong and at the time i remember wondering what it was, and thought maybe he had a uti or gas, but i knew it wasn't the right smell for those. it was very very odd. if this was something to do with his body failing, then i know it happened before other signs showed and before i massaged his tum. i knew he was going to go soon, i knew in my heart. but i never thought that day. i would have stayed if i had known. i hope he knows that.

i also saw him after he had passed. i know i did. i hope this means his spirit had left his body and he was ok. he looked content and peaceful. i saw a white shadow move across the cage aswell, and nothing since. when he came home, i placed him in one corner and after i took him away, maisie stayed in that corner for a long time, and in the days that followed, she slept in her little bed in that spot. a place she had never slept in before. maybe he was there and she knew.

now it's later on, i think the vet knew that ches was not going to make it. the metacam he gave was high, like he thought he would pass at home so made him comfortable.

i can't let go of him, i'm not ready.

i go through phases with it, but lately it's destroying me. i stay strong and 'happy' around the others, so they don't get upset, but inside i am heartbroken. :cry:
 
i'm trying but i can't do this. :cry: i won't leave my pets, i know that, but i am so scared that i will have to go through losing them all. my plan was always to 'go' when bisc, matt, ches and maisie had all gone, but now i have eddie aswell and i can't leave him, and i know i will be the same with any future pets. i need them in my life but it's so hard to lose them. :cry:

i am very sensitive to smell and the smell ches had before he got worse was one i can not describe. i looked it up on the net and there was alot about a death smell. some people can smell it and some can't. my sense of smell is very very strong and at the time i remember wondering what it was, and thought maybe he had a uti or gas, but i knew it wasn't the right smell for those. it was very very odd. if this was something to do with his body failing, then i know it happened before other signs showed and before i massaged his tum. i knew he was going to go soon, i knew in my heart. but i never thought that day. i would have stayed if i had known. i hope he knows that.

i also saw him after he had passed. i know i did. i hope this means his spirit had left his body and he was ok. he looked content and peaceful. i saw a white shadow move across the cage aswell, and nothing since. when he came home, i placed him in one corner and after i took him away, maisie stayed in that corner for a long time, and in the days that followed, she slept in her little bed in that spot. a place she had never slept in before. maybe he was there and she knew.

now it's later on, i think the vet knew that ches was not going to make it. the metacam he gave was high, like he thought he would pass at home so made him comfortable.

i can't let go of him, i'm not ready.

i go through phases with it, but lately it's destroying me. i stay strong and 'happy' around the others, so they don't get upset, but inside i am heartbroken. :cry:

"We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own, live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached.
Unable to accept its awful gaps, we still would live no other way.
We cherish memory as the only certain immortality,
never fully understanding the necessary plan."


Irving Townsend.


((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) xx
 
"We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own, live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached.
Unable to accept its awful gaps, we still would live no other way.
We cherish memory as the only certain immortality,
never fully understanding the necessary plan."


Irving Townsend.


((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) xx

thank you.

i have tried what you said - had some time to cry and sob and then tried to pull myself together and push the thoughts away, at least for a while. i just miss him so much x
 
I am so sorry for you, I know how you're feeling. I lost my gorgeous Dexter almost 2 years ago (11th December 2011) after only 4 months together (he was 7 months old) and it still hits me like it was yesterday at times. Reading your posts was just like reading a list of my own regrets. I should have asked the vet if I could stay with him, I shouldn't have gone out the previous day and stayed home with him to take care of him. What makes it worse is I read an article on Friday that said he could have been saved as he was in a coma whereas the vet thought he was totally paralyzed and he was breathing so shallowly I was so afraid he might die before I got him the vet and so I let them put him to sleep, which I regretted everyday since and reading that article just made things worse. I was inconsolable on Friday, but like you, I feel people don't understand, don't care. Even only a few days after Dexy died, someone told me to get over it, and someone else has told me, well at least it wasn't a person. Such an ignorant thing to say! There are many people I'd happily swap for Dex.

I have no tips to help you, unfortunately. All I can say is that I've mainly learned to live with it, but I think about him at least once a day and every now and again it just rears up and smacks me in the face. On those days, the only thing I can do about it from all the regrets and apologising over and over again in my head, is that at least I will see him again one day when I die and then we will be together again. I too love & miss him more than I could ever say. I'm not the same as I was before he died, a little piece of me died with him too that day.

I hope you find your way of coping with your loss and that at least one other person knows how you're feeling is some comfort, however small, at least you're not alone. I find that helps me too.
 
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